Fend to blog.

when jesuses attack

2010-07-27T19:16:00.003-04:00

As I sit in the shop this evening---alone, bored, watching people mingle to the horrible sounds of smooth jazz--I find myself ready to again venture onto the "Beyond Today" web site to see what they have to teach me. There really is so much about being a Crazy Christian that I don't understand. Today, I am going to focus on the Rapture. Everything I know about the Rapture I learned from a book about Liberty University. It seems as though there is some disagreement amongst Crazy People about what exactly the Rapture means. So, come, let us take a journey together, shall we?

Last week's "Beyond Today" was called "The Rapture: Fact or Fiction?". I am saddened that I missed it and don't have a computer that will play any videos, but there are rather a lot of articles they link to from the web site. The interesting thing is that I read an article that was almost verbatim what Darris was saying on the show, but it was written by someone else. Even the little anecdotal bit about listening to an old radio show was in there. Both the article author and Darris talked about it as though it happened to them so I guess I am a little confused as to how this show works. I guess Darris is just reading the script? I was under the definite impression he was the mastermind. But, anyway. The Rapture is way more important than all this crap.

The subtext for the episode reads, "Why do many people believe a doctrine that has no biblical validity? Isn't it time you learned the real truth?" Why yes, subtext. I believe it is.

So it seems to me that there are two camps--The people who believe Christ is going to snatch up all of the Believers into Heaven and the people who believe him he's actually physically coming back to Earth to rule it. Of course, both camps have Scripture to back up their interpretation. It's so arbitrary what is meant to be taken literally or not. All I know is, if I ever see the future, then I am going to be so effing cryptic when I tell you what's coming. I'm going to say some things that are literal and some which aren't. I'm going to use antiquated terms so that you understand my meaning whereas the people in the future will have to interpret it. Just be as generally confusing as I can possibly be. Hell, why not!

Let break down for you why the "Beyond Today" group thinks that the Rapture isn't what you think it is. First of all, it wasn't taught about until 1,800 years after Christ began the Church! Oh, ok! The one time they care about when something started being taught...

Ok, they think that Christ isn't going to come and take people away, that he's going to physically come and be here. They helpfully explain that human beings cannot rise into the air, so they have to be turned into spirits first. Oh, ok. That does make perfect sense. Silly me! Thinking Christ could make people float! They have to be spirits first. Right. Ok.

So the good people get turned into spirits so they get to skip the whole Final Judgement line. But not all of them, some will be martyred. Just for fun, I guess? This is all made clear by some Bible verses which refer to a woman and a dragon. But not real ones! Dummy! Don't you get this yet? The woman is supposed to mean the Church and the dragon is... God? Its unclear. But one thing is clear, it's not supposed to mean a dragon.

And the zombie saints are going to come out to welcome Jesus back, and he's here to stay, because you wouldn't just welcome someone who's leaving soon. Duh. So the world doesn't end with the Second Coming of Christ. He's just going to come back and rule. Because he totally loves ruling people and stuff. And if you didn't believe in him, well watch out. Jesus is going to go all John McClane on your ass.

So Jesus is coming back and you'll know when because you'll hear the trumpet. Then dead Believers will come back to life so that they don't miss all the fun. If you're alive and a Believer, then you're going to become a zombie spirit thing too. Then all the Spirits are going to make a big welcome wagon for Jesus, who is coming back here to stay.

NOW do you get it?

beyond dumb

2010-07-25T15:21:00.003-04:00

I was watching 7th Heaven the other day on WGN (I know!) and saw a commercial for a Sunday morning program called "Beyond Today". I was intrigued enough to tell my DVR to record that shit. This morning before work I watched about half of it and, let me tell you, it was a trip. The host, Darris (I don't know what kind of name that is), has a lot to say into his little microphone headset thing, but I had no idea what he was talking about half the time. If you zone out for a moment, as I am wont to do, you will be completely lost. Probably even if you don't zone out.

He starts out talking about Europe as though its some weird continent we may have never heard of before. It's an emerging Superpower! He says it might make you think of World War II or perhaps that it is a country where a terrorist can board a plane with explosives strapped to his waist. Then he shows this crazy shaky video where the camera is an airplane flying at some buildings. Are you scared yet?

Well, you should be! Because in Europe, they don't care about marriage or whatever. Marriage! A bunch of fornicators, those Europeans! And the Bible says something about the Second Coming of Christ happening after something about ten Kings coming to power or something and so that is happening right now, and the Second Coming is, well, coming.

It's always right around the corner, isn't it? Well, fear not. The Christian God is one of mercy and he will send you signs but you've gotta pay attention. Like the ten Kings. Darris assures us that, although we call them Presidents or Prime Ministers now, this will be one of the clues from the Bible so we'll be ready.

Between terrorists and the End of Days, we really have a lot to worry about, don't we? Oh, and fornicators, of course.

I've not yet finished watching this show, as I mentioned above, so I took a little trip over to the web site to see if they could fill in the gaps for me. Darris seems to have a habit of saying really simple sentences but then launching into a very quick few sentences that carry the bulk of the information. That's where my brain starts going, 'Wait, what??' But it seems as though the Book of Revelations is inherently confusing, as prophecy tends to be, since if anyone's going to buy it then it's got to be pretty vague and cryptic.

And so I read one of the accompanying articles, entitled "Europe: A New Superpower on the Rise". It talks about how in the 60's, the social-ists [sic] took over in Europe and that's when we got all that evil homosexuality and abortion and easy divorce (oh my!). They've also including abolishing the death penalty in that list, which is interesting. I've always found it odd that Christians champion the death penalty, but I suppose if we really are going to take the Bible literally then it does make sense.

Anyway, so I guess they think that there's going to be this United States of Europe, of sorts, with Germany at the helm. They make a point of mentioning that Churchill said Germany would never rise again but an old Christian radio show from the 60's did, so TAKE THAT CHURCHILL. You don't know SHIT.

Basically, the Treaty of Lisbon means that the US is going to keep on declining and Europe is going to rise up as a "new superpower", "rivaling the United States". Ok. So how does Jesus factor in? And wouldn't this seem odd to a person who believes that the Christian God favors countries that live the way he says to, yet Europe is this hot-bed of homosexual activity and abortion and whatnot?

The gist seems to be that the Book of Revelations talks about prostitutes and fornicators but this was supposed to be metaphorical. Isn't that convenient for this argument? Oops, I mean, doesn't that make perfect sense? The Church in Europe is in bed with the State--the Secular State--and this is what the Bible really meant.

Ok, are you confused? Well just wait. See, the Kings are supposed to be with "the beast". The Beast is whoever is leading this whole European Superpower thing. They will have power for one hour (not literally, you imbecile! This is just supposed to imply a short time) and are going to somehow make war with Jesus and then Jesus is going to come back and BAM! Rapture.

So, you see, the economic problems we are having are occurring so that the "revived Roman Empire" (aka Super Europe) can take control of the world so that Jesus can come back.

Yes, there is a weekly TV show for people to spout about this crap. They certainly speak as though they're talking about something real. It's really sort of mind-blowing at the same time as being really scary with just a pinch of sad-that-people-are-so-dumb. I go back and forth between being terrified that people actually think these things and amused.

Today, I am amused.

on a more serious note

2010-07-21T15:04:00.002-04:00

I wouldn't say that I hate my job. That seems too strong. But it's close.

I do a lot of receiving and stocking, that's really the part that I "enjoy" the most. I do a lot of ringing as well, that part isn't always bad but it can also just be the worst thing ever. Sometimes after people have just been ridiculously rude to you again and again, you sort of lose your ability to have any sort of customer service.

If I were paid what I feel I deserve to be paid, though, I think I would probably have a much lower level of job hatred.

Let's just put it out there. I skirt around it a lot. I'm embarrassed by it. I actually just felt my tear ducts spring into action when I let myself say that I'm embarrassed, but I am. I've worked here for five years now, three consecutive, and I make exactly $0.48 above the Ohio Minimum Wage.

The one advantage to making so little money is that I really sympathize with people trying to support themselves making minimum wage. Even making a dollar more than minimum wage. I'm lucky and I get a lot of help with my bills. I don't understand how anyone could support themselves on this salary, let alone children. But that's another blog. This one's about me.

I work hard. Harder than most of my co-workers. A lot of them are older and slower. What takes me an hour would take them the whole day.

The people who sit behind a desk and take tickets? They make more than I do.

I feel undervalued and underpaid. I was promoted and then it was given away to someone else. And I just sat there and took it, like it was fine. As if I had no problem with it at all, as if I agreed with them.

A lot has changed since then. I'm a more confident person. I can say with complete certainty that I am important to this place, that they don't operate as smoothly without me. I can make a line disappear, pick up the store in about thirty minutes and I'm faster at stocking, not least because I can lift more. I can carry a box most of my co-workers would need to get a cart to move, that alone makes me much quicker.

But the problem with this realization that I deserve more is that, at this job, I can't really get it. We're a non-profit. For two years "no one" has gotten a raise. (I never really figured out if the CEO and his billions of BMWs are included in this no one) So it feels like I'm working really hard to climb a mountain by just getting really good at circling the bottom, waiting for them to open the gates so I can really give it a go. All the opportunities for advancement are so far off. I'm like a vulture, circling other people's positions, waiting for them to perish so I can steal their spot. Can I keep working hard for no reward for years and years to achieve something that might not even be that fulfilling?

I don't know. Some days it seems fine; some days I feel so intensely unhappy. But what DO I want to do? What do I want to be? What WOULD be fulfilling? Can I reach my goals here and make room for new ones at the same time?

The future is always uncertain. I think this growing unhappiness--this growing feeling that I'm worth more, smarter than this, better than this--is the motivation I have been waiting for. If I keep going and let it keep building inside of me then I think that's the energy I'm going to harness that will take me down new avenues to fulfillment. I cannot be scared of this, either, even though it might be scary. Sometimes I'm scared to change anything lest it throw me dangerously off-balance. But I think when I have enough drive, enough motivation, then I'll be okay.

The one thing I am sure of? I'm worth way more than $7.78.

parade kills brains dead

2010-07-17T12:11:00.003-04:00

Ok, I know. I haven't written in forever. It is, perhaps, my greatest flaw. But I don't have the Internet at home right now, so I occasionally write an involved "Annie Teaches You Some History" blog that I can't actually post anywhere. Once I get it fixed, though, I am going to have a whole slew of blogs to just post daily. (Weekly? There aren't that many...) Also, I have been working at work lately. A lot. When it comes to the future and what I'm going to do, well, it's a lot less depressing to just put my nose down and keep working than to ponder such things. But anyway, that's a downer. The point is, I just haven't really been able to blog much. I have not given up on the whole affair, though.

I quickly jotted down a few things to write about to ease back into the whole blog writing rhythm.
Let's begin with the Hills finale! The show has been pretty uneventful and boring this season. I don't care about Kristin and Brody's childish relationship. They both deserve whatever they get with it, likewise with Audrina and JB. I don't care about Stephanie Pratt. Spencer and Heidi were barely on this season (but when they were, it was gold). So, really I couldn't have cared less about whether Kristin was going to leave and whether Brody was going to care that she was. I was happy for Lo but I wouldn't say I find her storyline particularly interesting. BUT then the ending happened! For those that didn't see it, Brody says goodbye to Kristin, leaving for Europe, and she gets into the car which pulls away. They cut to Brody standing in front of the Hollywood Hills, looking...thoughtful? I'm not sure what he was going for. Sad? Afraid? Some sort of solemn expression on the Brody Jenner List of General Expressions to Imply Thought. Then the background looks weird and starts moving because its a BACKDROP! They pull it away as the camera pulls out to reveal that they're on a backlot. And Kristin's car is like 10 feet away! She hops out, hugs Brody, and they walk away.

It was... Surreal. Awesome. I loved it. I sort of feel as though the negative responses to it I have read are indicative of the general intelligence level of Hills fans. A lot of people going, "So you're saying ITS FAKE?!" I think it's up for interpretation, which is awesome that they'd do something like that anyway, but I felt like it was just supposed to be like a mindfuck of sorts. DiVello called it a "wink" to viewers. I'll just call it awesome.

I am really enjoying the new show Huge on ABC Family. I fully expected to hate it, so it was a very pleasant surprise. The teenagers on it actually act and look like teenagers. Their self-esteem issues are very realistic. The main character, when told she has to be in a bathing suit for a "before" picture, does a sort-of striptease to undermine the camp director. She seems extremely confident here, doing this in front of everyone in the camp. But then afterwards, she says how embarrassed she is that she did it. The characters are all like this--realistic, multi-faceted. And it's nice to have a show where everybody's fat. This allows them to just be human beings, not a token character or a completely sympathetic one. Storylines about the Camp Director seem a bit misplaced, though. Long-lost father and affair with the Camp Director at the neighboring Tennis Camp? I think we've got enough without adding those plotlines in. But genuinely funny moments and realistic teens make this my surprise favorite summer show.

Besides new TV, the summer brings us stupid parades. Stupid, stupid parades! I made the mistake of going to our local community 4th of July parade and it was the most irritating thing. Parents letting their kids run out into the street to get candy. Some annoying woman with big teeth constantly letting her balloon hit us in the head. One of my craziest neighbors carrying a sceptor of sorts and wearing a New Year's hat. The sun was relentless. And the floats were just utter crap. People didn't even bother to do anything besides put a sticker on the side of a car. Local politicians abounded, of course, but it makes one wonder why. They don't make an effort to make an impressive float, they are all there so no candidate stands out as being more personable soo... Why? Why did I have to look at Jean Schmidt's ugly dinosaur neck and her dumb ponytail? And let us not forget the enormous local Tea Party, proudly tromping down the street, decrying taxes. I'm wondering if they went to the fireworks? And if they think fireworks are free? Ah, but that is a different blog.

Oh, and all two of the local Democrats! Hey, guys!

I wasn't expecting the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, but it seemed just really low-quality in all regards. From children rushing the streets to the awkward way they kept having to stop the parade so that it took about twenty years for the thing to end... How many years have they done this? Seems like they should have it down to a science. And then there were the many, many churches. At least five or six different churches were represented. One was handing out Revised American History pamphlets. Another was throwing Religious Silly Bands to the kids, in the most blatant attempt to lure them in. All had candy. "Say, I like this God guy. You get candy. And Silly Bands!" It makes me supremely uncomfortable to have these people in my face, not least because I am scared they're going to try and talk to me.

And THEN. There was the Estate Tax Petition Guy. Who I would bet my life does not make enough money to be effected by the tax. Who I was very anxious was going to come try to talk to me. So, not only was the parade very un-entertaining, it made me anxious. It was like I was at a Republican Convention mixed with a Church Service and people kept touching me and my brain was just really freaking out about it.

Needless to say, I don't think I will be attending the parade next year.

Well, I suppose I'm done for now. I promise I will try to write more. I guess that promise is mainly for me, since I don't think anyone really reads this regularly. But it is a promise nonetheless.

leashed initial deviation

2010-04-26T11:04:00.002-04:00

I was a kid on a leash. Not a leash like today's Monkey Backpack Fake-Out Leashes, but a spiraled stretchy red one with velcro wrist cuffs. I can remember being attatched to it in only one memory in which I am at the zoo in a big crowd of people.

I tend to judge Leash Users. They generally just look lazy. Like somehow four adults can't keep track of one kid and so they have to leash the kid out of utter laziness. God forbid they have to, like, run after them.

But I know my parents aren't like that, they're just uber paranoid. I'm sure it was more just to be sure that no one grabbed me out of the crowd. I was such a vibrant and attractive child that it really makes a lot of sense.

The parents I see now, though, just seem to be lazy. They're generally not in a crowd. They stand there while their toddler tries and tries to get further than the leash will allow. Their kids behave worse on the leash than I would expect my dog to behave.

Ok, I don't have a dog. But I have had a dog. And you teach them to heel. So, if you are going to leash your child, in essence treating it like a dog, then at least have the decency to train it like a dog.

I can't believe there hasn't been some outrageous leash death story. Like a kid's leash gets stuck in a wood chipper and slowly pulls him towards SUDDEN DEATH. Then you could really be outraged when you saw a leashed kid. "Those things are DANGEROUS. How lazy are you?" So lazy that they'd rather put their kid through a wood chipper than run after them.

See how easy you can spin that?

I'm certainly not calling for blood, but you see what I mean.

(I am in no way suggesting that anyone put a child into a wood chipper. Just to be clear. Although you Mainstream Media Thugs are just going to take what I say out of context anyway.)

Or maybe some people could accidentally switch leashed kids and not realize it because they are ignoring their children entirely. That could be wacky.

I've always had this dream where there are things called "Lost Child Simulation Rooms". For instance, you'd have one of the Rooms in the mall. Then any unattended children who are either too young to be unattended or are causing a ruckus would be whisked off to this Room. When the parents realize that they're missing a kid (you know, after like FIVE hours have passed) then you take them to the Room and they can have their kid back. But not until it is explained to them that they were put in the Room to demonstrate how they could already be gone or have caused thousands of dollars in damages or at least really made someone hate their job.

It would probably have little effect but it would make the people that have to deal with said children feel better.

Do you think Octomom has 8 leashes and then they all get tangled up around her and she's wrapped in all the leashes, carrying a bunch of shopping bags? Well, don't worry, little one. In Heaven she does. In Heaven she does everyday. Now, go quietly into that gentle wood chipper, little leash martyr. Twas not in vain.

Seacrested Butte

2010-04-25T14:53:00.003-04:00

I know you've all been wondering whether or not I watch American Idol and really clamoring for my opinion on this year's contestants. Well, I've decided to give you what you want. Yes, it's here at long last. Who do I like? Who do I think will win? This.......Is (my) American Idol (blog).

Crystal Bowersox is obviously the most consistent, but this does't necessarily constitute a win. However, I don't know of any past performers who have been as consistent. She's gotta bite it eventually, right? Even Clay Aiken had his "Somewhere Out There". Let's think about all of her performances since the Top 24. "Hand in My Pocket", "Give Me One Reason", "You Can't Always Get What You Want", "Me and Bobby McGee", "Midnight Train to Georgia", "Come Together", "Saved" and "People Get Ready". My prehistoric computer will not allow me to watch videos of these past performances to confirm, but I'm pretty sure everything she's ever done has been awesome. I really don't want to like her but she doesn't often give me any reason to hate her so she's really growing on me.

Lee DeWyze has also grown on me over the weeks. "Chasing Cars" and "Fireflies" and "Treat Her Like a Lady" were all really awful. But I want to like him. He's got that Chad Kroeger-y voice but, I mean, I guess the difference is that I find him attractive. I want him to stay just for me to look at. I wasn't crazy about his "Boxer" performance but I think that's more about my random particularity. I like where he's headed with that performance, though. And, it should be noted, he has never been in the bottom 3.

Michael Lynche, or Inverse Danny Gokey, as I call him, is sort of Ruben-esque in that he sings and it's pretty and it makes you want to vote for him but if you really think about it you have no interest in actually listening to the music he'd make. I want him singing over the credits to a Disney film or something and that's really about it. I really dug "Eleanor Rigby" but David Cook's version was so good that I couldn't help but compare the two.

Casey James. Oh, Casey James. It's funny, I really don't care for him but I remember more of his performances than anyone else's. Probably because he's really good, he just needs to make, like, a lateral move. Because week after week I remark how he just sounds like the best damn wedding singer that I've ever heard. Like, freaking out of this world wedding singer. Case in point? "The Power of Love". He didn't really change it much, just sang it. And you know what? It was REALLY good! If I heard it at my cousin's wedding reception. Any other venue and what's the point of it? Its not even karaoke because it sounds like him singing it with his band. Like I should be sitting outside at a bar, listening to him and drinking and saying, "Wow, this dude should go on American Idol!"

Siobhan. Where do I begin? She's been sucking so bad lately that I can't even remember a time when I liked her that much. I don't even really like her voice anymore. And her whiny "I don't even know who I am" speech really turned me off. Sorry, Siobhan. I think that for a moment, you could've gone to the end. But you're like a little lost sheep that doesn't get that it can still be a special little sheep but it still has to do what people tell it sheep are supposed to do.

Aaron Kelly blah blah. He's the Dark Horse in all this. I don't think people are aware of how long this little guy could potentially stay in it. Without Tim Urban to split the horny tween vote, he could really explode.

This week the theme is Shania Twain songs, which sounds horrid but I think it will be a really interesting challenge. Whoever sings "From This Moment On" is going to be really bad. I don't know who's going to do it, but someone is. Aaron Kelly will obviously sing "Man, I Feel Like A Woman". I expect Siobhan will do something really weird and not awesome again. I think she could be gone this week.

As for a final two? I'm going to go ahead and say we will be seeing Crystal versus Aaron. Probably really Crystal versus Lee. But if Casey or Lee don't go soon, they're going to be splitting the vote for their audience, I think, and one of them must perish or neither can succeed. But will Crystal win? Now that, I don't know. The people you're sure will win never seem to win. But then again, I don't know if anyone's ever been as good as Crystal. So, if I had to bet now, I'd go ahead and put my money on a Crystal/Aaron Final Two with a Crystal win. However, if its a Crystal/Lee Final Two, my money is on Lee. But only time and effing Shania Twain week will tell.

drip drip drop dripdripdrip

2010-04-19T13:54:00.003-04:00

I did a Big Girl thing today that I hate doing... I called my landlord!

I have an inexplicable fear of landlords. I just prefer to have little contact with them. I don't know what it is. I guess I just don't like knowing some stranger has the key to my apartment. I picturing him walking around in there, opening all of my cabinets and looking in my messy-ass bedroom. Perusing my fridge and criticizing my diet. Wondering about my giant bag of smashed cans. Shaking his head at my dining room table turned crafting area. I'm always scared there's something in there that will displease him. It's a completely irrational fear, though. When I actually think about it, try to think of something that shouldn't be, there isn't anything. It's just silliness. And yet there it is, in the back of my head. 'Landlords are SCARY.'

After all, he is, sort of, The Man. And I've never gotten along so well with The Man. The Man doesn't like me and I fear his criticism.

There's no battery in my smoke detector. There it is! The thing! The thing that will make him mad! Or at least make him leave a passive-aggressive pamphlet about smoke alarm batteries. But, really. The stupid thing goes off anytime I use the stove. I don't know, I guess when I am burning to a crisp in my bed then I will have learnt my lesson. My neighbor's the one who decorates the fire extinguisher for Christmas. I think that's a little more dangerous.

The reason I called him this time around was because of the stupid bathtub faucet. The apartments were built in the 50's and, while they've been very well-maintained, the plumbing is still really ancient. You have a simple problem like a leaky faucet and it seems like it just opens up a whole can of wormy plumbing issues. Two years ago in the wintertime, the faucet started dripping. As the cold weather continued, it dripped more and more until it was really more of a stream. Finally there was a note on the door that the landlord would be checking each of the apartments because the water bill was high. This is the part where I started feeling silly about not calling in the first place.

The day came and I left him a note stating that it was probably my leaky faucet and I'm sorry I hadn't called and thanks!!!!!!!!!!! (I hope exclaimation points don't piss him off) He said he'd be back to fix the faucet and a few days later I realized what he meant by "fix". The faucet was no longer a stream but back to a drip. The handle had a bunch of scratch marks on it, so I assumed he probably just took a wrench and went at it.

This winter, the drip returned. Sure enough, it's now a stream. I discovered that lemon juice and vinegar beat out any other cleaning product on the market when it comes to cleaning off calcium and lime and they even keep it away when your faucet refuses to quit. That's a good tip, write that down. I used almost a whole bottle of CLR to no avail. Lemon juice and vinegar, I tell you. Anyhow, I did a google-search to see if we had a plausible do-it-myself situation. But I learned that it was probably an old washer and that everything was probably going to be stuck together because it was so old and I was looking at about $60 worth of supplies just to get the parts out to check.

There were no other options. It was time to call up Hunky. So I called him today and gladly left him a voicemail. Hopefully he calls a plumber this time instead of doing a quick-fix that'll have it leaking again in 6 months. But I'm not holding my breath.

I will be sure to share with you the exciting conclusion! I know you will be waiting with bated breath. And don't forget that vinegar/lemon juice thing!

supercalifragicorrection

2010-04-15T12:12:00.000-04:00

I was out to dinner the other night when a friend commented that perhaps Mary Poppins (the Broadway show) followed the books instead of the movie. We both agreed this didn't sound very Disney-like. Lo and behold, that is the case after all. I looked up a plot synopsis on Wikipedia and, sure enough, Act I follows the first book and Act II follows the second book.

This really explains a lot. All of the changes don't seem nearly as random or odd. But at the same time, I don't understand this decision. Surely the majority of people going to this show are like me and expect something closer to the film. Of course, the film doesn't lend itself easily to the stage. But if anyone can figure it out, it's Disney. Their sets are phenomenal, state-of-the-art. I mean, seriously, if you can adapt the freaking Lion King to the stage than you can do anything.

If anything, this just adds a bit to my disappointment. But, then again, Disney isn't very good at knowing what I want from it's stage shows. Every now and then they really hit the mark. The rest of the time you get Tarzan and that awful Finding Nemo thing in Animal Kingdom. Which, of course, has the coolest puppets that I have ever seen on a fabulous set. With lyrics written by a 5 year-old. "This is really bad/I miss my dad..."

But, I digress. This makes Mrs. Corry and Miss Andrews and the Heavens all less random but still as perplexing. I don't think all of the Disney Magic in the world can save this one.

Ah! The master! step in time...

2010-04-11T15:35:00.002-04:00

Last night, I went to see Mary Poppins at the Aronoff Center. I must say, I was disappointed with it.

I think I always have issues seeing shows that have movie versions that I like. Little Shop of Horrors, for instance. Mary Poppins was the same way but I think it had a lot more issues.
The saying "let's not reinvent the wheel" is uttered around here quite a bit and I think it applies to this show. They made an awful lot of changes adapting it and I think they were largely unnecessary.

The majority, if not all, of the songs are shortened or changed, seemingly just for the sake of changing them. I went there expecting the hear all the familiar tunes but it left something lacking not hearing them as they were in the film, granted a lack of Julie Andrews is probably much more damaging than that.

In the movie, they have the whole trippy horse scene with the animated penguins and so on. My mother and I were very curious how they would do this on stage. It was replaced with a scene where statues in the park come to life. They were dancers in skintight statue-colored catsuits with leaves covering their not-visible-under-the-catsuit---erm--private parts. It was a pretty neat idea and really the only change that worked for me.

Later on for "Supercalifragilistic..." they go into this weirdo Tim Burton candy shop place that appears in the park and is run by a woman with a Seuss-ian green braid that stuck straight into the air. Mary Poppins spells out the word with some candy letters? Yeah...It was weird. I don't know how things like this make it out of the board room or wherever they are born. The dancing for this song was phenomenal, though. Good enough, I think, to make up for the bizarre-ness of the candy shop and its drag queen-esque staff.

Mr. and Mrs. Banks sort of weigh the whole show down. Mrs. Banks tries unsuccessfully to throw a tea party and no one comes and...that's that. It was yet another part that seemed clunky and thrown in and didn't really seem to have a purpose. No women's suffrage here. Mr. Banks is less the hilariously uptight patriarch and more a deeply damaged and wholly unpleasant man. When he finally asks his son to fly a kite with him, it somehow lacked the sincerity and sweetness it does in the film. The stage show also adds "Holy Terror" Miss Andrews, Mr. Banks' childhood nanny who gets shouldered with the blame for all of his problems. Again, she seems thrown in---an afterthought. Why is she there? Comic relief, I suppose? She was funny; I'll give her that.

In the show, the Banks have a cook and a male housekeeper. They are obviously meant to be comic relief but...not so much. I don't know who to blame for this, really. They had a lot of broad physical comedy, falling into dishes and the like, and it was just not well executed. For example, at one point he goes inexplicably reeling towards a table and awkwardly slams his fists on either side, making the table split in half. The only reason I can imagine that he would do this is because he is an actor in a play and they got this great stunt table that splits in half and that's what the director told him to do. It was just so awkward. Again, I couldn't figure out if it was the blocking or the actor. Possibly both.

Mary Poppins was good, not great. I'm fairly certain we had the understudy. She definitely had the character down, so it leaves one wondering if the script is really more to blame.

The big stand-out of the night was Burt. He was absolutely fantastic. If I could replace Dick van Dyke with that actor, the film would be perfect. That is how good he was. Like a dancing Atlas, he carries the entire show on his capable shoulders. Could you sing while hanging upside down, fifty feet in the air? This guy effing can. I could gush and gush and gush about him. I even had my pen and Playbill ready in case he was out with a Broadway Cares bucket. I may even say that its worth seeing the show just to watch this guy. He is what you go to see.

The thing that really bothered me throughout was the plot. Disney just really isn't too good at the whole Broadway thing (Lion King of course being the exception). It didn't flow and I found myself confused several times. Unnecessary additions and awkward exclusions abounded. In the end, they go up into the Heavens? And then Mary Poppins tells Michael that he won't go there again for a long time? What is that about?? Really weird. All the children's toys come to life and complain about how badly they are treated. Then Mary Poppins leaves with them right before intermission. What? Who wrote this, an eight year-old? It also ran three hours long, which contradicts all the additions that seemed to be for kids' sake.

Overall, I'd say see it out of curiosity if you'd like but a night in watching the DVD is more enjoyable. I know there are probably a lot of people screaming at me through the computer for comparing it to the movie like that but all the stage show made me want to do was watch it.

(Oh, and when we left, we were standing at the valet desk and a woman said, "I had the Land Rover but I don't think you gave me a ticket for it." And so I said, "Oh yes, I had the Lexus but you didn't give me a ticket either." I was being hilarious but she seriously looked at me like I just took a dump right there on her shoes. Even my mom agreed that she was a bitch.)

And they removed "What's all this?! What's all this!!" from "Step in Time". Which is my very favorite part. And no bank run! You see? I just can't stop comparing it to the film. Well, there you have my humble opinion. And you didn't even have to ask.

HEY! Soul sister...

2010-04-07T11:09:00.002-04:00

The world is full of so many sorts of annoying people. Some people just really annoy you to your very core, though. How do they do that? I mean, perhaps they should be commended for annoying you so thoroughly. It takes a lot for a person to have absolutely no redeeming qualities, right?

It's like that Train song. I have such an intense hatred of that song. I hear it about twenty trillion times a day and I hate it every single time. I feel like I am living in a Cialis commercial. But shouldn't I give Train some credit for creating something so loathsome? I mean, obviously someone loves it or else every radio station wouldn't play it all day every day. It's like it's our collective background music right now. Does it describe the general mood of the nation? Wholesome? Happy? Plucky little guitar strings. Hey, soul sister! Oh man, cringe. It makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

Now, the constant inclusion of this song in my life--what is its effect? Does it make me a happier person because I can focus my negative energy solely on this one thing that I hate? Or am I a more hateful person because it is constantly pulling me down into the depths? Does hating one thing a lot make you just generally hate? I don't know. I have been rather irritable this week.

Oh, now here comes someone that annoys me. If he says "signage" one more time, I could snap. Now, if Train were playing RIGHT NOW... Would I be more or less annoyed with him repeatedly saying "signage" like it makes him cool?

Why do teenagers think that arguing with you and saying they're an adult will make them seem more adult?

Why do people insist on going through a door with a silent alarm that they've been repeatedly asked not to go through?

Well, I know the answer to that...Because otherwise they'd have to walk an extra 30 feet.

I don't know, I didn't mean to write a blog where I just complained. And yet here I am.

I've been working on a rather lengthy blog to tell you about Andrew Jackson. You may not even know that you care about Andrew Jackson yet. But I've got about 1000 words on what a badass he is and I'm not even up to his Presidency yet. So look for that in the month of April. That's the optimistic guess.

Tomorrow the sun has decided to elude me so it looks like Laguna Beach Season 1, Disc 1; The Last Song; and outlet shopping for me! Punctuation be damned!

And if you're the person who is requesting that damn Train song then please, I beg of you, stop. I might even rather hear that Michael Buble song. No, no I wouldn't. I suppose there's always a worse thing.

blog for the sake of blog

2010-03-31T11:26:00.001-04:00

I took some time to read back through my old blog entries and I have to say that I don't quite understand why I am not famous yet. I mean, this is good quality stuff, guys. Guys? Anybody?

So work got kinda busy and I lost my steam with the whole writing book reviews thing but I never stopped reading. I read a Pat Robertson book, that was an adventure I really should've taken you on with me. I apologize. I actually bought the book from the $3 Book Warehouse in Georgia so perhaps I will revisit it sometime for that purpose.

Right now I am reading several books. One is about the segregation in the school systems in America and I've nicely balanced that with another $3 Book Warehouse pick called Hard America, Soft America by Michael Barone. It reads like a never-ending essay that you're peer-editing. Its funny, this was another book I didn't realize was a Conservative book until after I started reading it. I always have this moment of, "Hey, wait a minute!" And then I read the author bio and it all falls into place. Its basically about how there's Hard America and Soft America and Hard America is what we need. Then he takes whatever he is talking about (justice system, welfare, education, war, etc.) and spins it so the best way is the Conservative way which is also Hard. Sometimes bureaucracies are good, sometimes they aren't. It all depends on who created them. Its a tangled web of "Huh??". But ok, Barone. If you say so.

I got into a debate with my richy-rich Conservative grandfather over dinner the other night. He just baits me and baits me until I can't take it anymore. I kept my mouth shut all the way until the coffee was served. But guess what? I won. For once, for the first time, for the first ever ever ever time, I totally won. I knew all his talking points, I knew all the facts, I trapped him and he knew it. And he had this crazy gleam in his eye--he liked it. He knew it was on like for realz this time. Its good to know that I can hold my own with those guys now. I've come a long way, baby!

Ok, while we're having a chat, let's talk TV. Let's talk Ricky Gervais show, actually. So I am to believe that this show is a big hit? Really? I like Ricky Gervais as much as the next gal but you cannot computer animate a podcast and call it a show and expect me to like it. Its not the same thing as a TV show. Which is what I want to watch when I am watching...TV. Yeah. Get it? Got it? I don't know. I get bored. I find it annoying and maybe even a bit cumbersome. It plods along like a great square tire made of stone. Plomp. Boosh. Plomp. Oh ok, there was something funny. Plomp. Not worth sitting through all that plomping.

Let's hear it for all my trashy shows, though! 90210, Melrose Place and Gossip Girl have really been spot-on so far this spring. Just the kind of trashy ridiculousness that I desire from them. Annie is totally going to steal Liam from Naomi. Rumer Willis made Adrianna a lesbian. The new neighbor is cutting open corpses and looking sketchball. Ella is getting framed by Heather Locklear. Jenny is gonna steal Nate from Serena. Life is good.

Well anyway, I guess I haven't really got anything more to say. Maybe if I led a more thrilling life I would be inclined to write more. Or maybe I wouldn't. Damned if I'll ever know. Word to you and yours.

black and white

2010-03-30T14:14:00.001-04:00

She definitely wasn't real. But she felt real. She felt as alive as she had the day she was born, but real? Not her. Of course, you must be a bit confused and far be if from me to suggest a history course. For all I know you're an expert in medieval wars or something like that. You could be. You can be anything you want. Unless, of course, you are not real. Then you can be anything you want except for real. It's not as bad as it sounds. She's not perfect. She's not plastic. In a crowd, she's just part of it. But the sperm and the egg that created her were created by a woman in a lab coat. Laws specified that she must be a random mix of desirable traits. And that she was. This for that and that for this. The world has no place for superheroes. The time for fortitude has passed. Anonimity rules. The new world motto reads: "I didn't do it". A name known is a name smeared. You can't make a mistake if you don't exist.
Her great great grandma told her fascinating stories about the outdoors and about "seeing" things but they lost their hold when she lost her childish imagination. She can't seem to comprehend why anyone would want to "see" when they could see anything they wanted right there in their home. She could count on her fingers how many times "fresh air" had reached her lungs. It was an effort to breath it in compared to the air they were accustomed to breathing. Leaves and trees and beaches and animals were just as lovely when you made them yourself. In fact, they were better.
Real and fake, truth and lie, good and bad. Her great great grandma spoke of these distinctions as though it was all that easy. The older she got, the less she understood her old relative's explainations. She listened patiently to her shaky and deliberate words, but couldn't seem to find a context for them in reality. This, she decided, was because reality had changed. As she watched the old woman take in her last breath, she noted how hard to detect any difference was. There she was, in the same old spot with the same old look on her face and the same old smell. But she was dead.
That was the truth. Any way you looked at it, she was dead. The girl wondered if she would die someday, too. Or perhaps when that time came, even death would cease to be so black and white.

tis the season for scammers

2009-11-23T12:37:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I stopped a scam from happening. It is not the first time that I have thwarted a scam and it probably won't be the last. It seems lately that more people are trying to scam us here and it really bothers me. I don't know how people don't feel bad.

I mean, the fact that we are a non-profit and its wrong to steal aside, these people are usually people that I remember because they talked me. Don't you feel bad scamming poor little innocent me, Scammers? On that same note, it makes me more angry that I stood there and acted interested in what this person was saying when I really thought that they were batshit crazy.
Its been a while since we had any change artists. They're easy to spot because its usually a person that looks like they just shuffled in from OTR and they've got a big bill. What's more is they are trying to buy something that costs less than a dollar with their bill. Its really satisfying to thwart them. If it weren't for my Customer Service gene, I would probably ask them how dumb they think I am. It usually goes like this--
Change Artist: Can you break a $100?
Me: Sure.
CA: Can you check to make sure?
Me: I'm sure.
Then they proceed to try and trip me up with several different requests. They want 5 20's, while you're doing that they ask for four quarters for a dollar, then they give you back the 20's and ask for something different back. I could see how it would work to confuse you but the trick is that you can't let them control what you're doing. The guy tries to hand me a dollar while I am getting the 5 20's, its not happening. He's gotta wait until I get the $100 taken care of and then I will move onto the next step. I really do this just so that I don't get confused, but it also keeps change artists from purposely confusing you. Also, you've got to watch what you have and what he has. If you know you gave him the right amount and he tries to tell you otherwise, then you have to say, "I know what I gave you, I'll have to count down the drawer to check." Trust me, dude is not gonna wait around while you count down all your money. He'll leave you to move onto another cashier, this is why the last step is to sound the alarm! You've gotta call anyone else you work with and warn them that this dude is about. Your smarts don't matter if some other idiot gets taken.

Here is a new scam (for here anyway) that we've been getting this holiday season. Person pays using a check and then the check is mysteriously gone at the end of the day. It becomes pretty evident that the person must've taken the check because they never call to see why you haven't cashed their check, like a normal person would do.

We also have been getting people paying with checks, then trying to return the merchandise before their check clears. Then---shocker! The check bounces! Unfortunately, twice now they have been allowed to do this here. Thankfully it seems to have gotten through their heads that people are doing this on purpose.

How does this happen? Is it people that grew up in an environment where stealing was ok? That would appear to be the case with the change artists. But the check scammers seem like normal people. How are they not eaten up with guilt? Do you try it once and it works and you don't see a consequence so it snowballs? Or is it people that are struggling through the holidays and its a one-time thing? I don't get it. I would be so eaten up with guilt. You know the cashier gets in trouble. It could cost them their job. As a non-profit, we do receive tax-payer money. Granted this isn't the money that buys the merchandise, but its still, in a way, stealing from yourself.
Well, motives aside, people are low on money this holiday season. They've decided the solution is scamming--theft. Its really gross. So look out for scammers and be sure to bust them. And if anyone you know is talking about doing it or doing it, be sure and let them know how gross they are. And so ends what has turned into a PSA. But, seriously, it really frosts my cookies. Cut it out.

in which there is, perhaps, tmi

2009-11-19T11:40:00.000-05:00

Its that time again. I haven't got a tale to tell, so here are some rolling thoughts as I check out the latest news (as I am working). For the record, I have been alone for a very long time, so I thought it was safe to let one go, and then customers came in, and they left very quickly. And its kind of funny. But not very ladylike.

My issue with giving KSM a trial is that we didn't follow our own fucking laws so how can we win such a trial? I don't know, I need someone smarter to ask questions about this. I happened to catch them talking about it on Joy Behar last night. I've never watched her show before, but it seemed really inane and I am no smarter than I was before I flipped to channel 10. Come on, NPR. I need you to come through here. I like Julie Andrews as much as the next gal, but I'd rather get this all hashed out.

Like, seriously, Julie Andrews is doing a cow voice right now.

Here's a weird one--I've noticed recently that I flatten my tongue to the back of my bottom teeth. Sort of bend it down and press it against them. I do it when I'm falling asleep and now I've noticed myself doing it idly. And it feels weird and I wanna stop. Is this a symptom of some lethal underlying illness? I'll never know.

Why won't AT&T just face the fact that their coverage sucks? It does! Everything about AT&T sucks. Quit crying and fix it or face the consequences.

Oh my god... Oh my giddy god... Palin/Beck 2012?? Oh please, yes. They can't win, right? Its safe, right? It would just be funny, right?? Although I saw a rather unnerving channel 12 poll the other night..Granted it wasn't closed for another hour when I saw it but the question was, "Who is more qualified to run for President, Palin or Clinton?" And Palin was WINNING. Not by a lot but still. Cincinnati, you suck. It didn't even say "Who would you vote for?" It asked who was more QUALIFIED. That doesn't even need to be asked, really.

Okie dokie, well, my replacement is here, so that's all for today. I shall try to write more in hopes that someday someone will read it. Good day.

Random unconnected thoughts.

2009-11-12T15:09:00.003-05:00

The Great Internet War of 2009 is, for the moment, over. And I am the victor. So I bring this blog straight at you! WHAM.

I have an odd fascination with men's butts. They're just so varied and sometimes hard to understand. And when you see a really good one, you just can't look away. Its like a special treasure.

There is a tiny tooth looking just delighted and awestruck with googly eyes sitting in a green lounge chair. These sort of things tend to happen around here.

I feel like Windows is ridiculously out of touch if they think the "look and feel" of a Mac is what drives users to switch over. Its the utter frustration only Windows can cause that does it.

Is it possible for everyone to be rich? And still have a hierarchy. Like, if the poor people were rich then they could buy more and the rich people would be even richer. But what would give? Cost of living would rise so the poor rich would be poor poor again?

I cannot read comment sections. They make me too angry. I don't think irrationally, really. But is it worth becoming enraged each day? It seems fun at first but its really exhausting. I think the woman talking about the "horrors of marijuana withdrawal" was the real last straw for me.

They have found that dyslexic kids may have trouble focusing on a teacher's voice amidst all the other noises in a classroom. I have trouble focusing on someone's voice amidst all the thoughts in my head. And all the words coming out of my mouth. And then there's the whole thing where you have to, like, take the noises coming out of a person's mouth and seperate them into words and then figure out what the words were. Listening to others is so very complicated.

Dr. Michael Reinstein was given nearly $500k from AstraZeneca as he conducted research on Seroquel. This is such a stunning example of why health care should have nothing to do with profits. It becomes not at all about people's health and all about stuffing your bank account. Its really sickening the amount of people in the world who will do anything for a buck. Well, a whole bunch of bucks. I really don't understand how they live with themselves, truly. Does the money justify that sort of behavior to people or do they just go so far into denial that they don't even realize how villainous they've become? I suppose its the latter, as everyone is saying they didn't do anything wrong and it didn't effect the research and blah blah. It just makes me so very, very uncomfortable.

Is it just me or does it seem like Fox News is correcting itself now where it never used to before? Methinks they are not the mavericks they acted like they were a few weeks ago. But then Murdoch's out there running his mouth, so maybe not.

I am really enjoying the firing of Prof. David Nutt being referred to as "Nutt sacking". I'm not entirely sure if its on purpose or not, but well played if so.

I think the fact that this girl is wearing Britney Spears perfume sort of ruins the image she appears to be striving for. I should tell her I know her secret.

Wouldn't it be kind of exciting if the world ended? Everyone talks about it like it would be a bad thing.

You gotta hand it to the AMA, they've really been pleasing me lately. First supporting health care reform and now calling for a "review" of marijuana prohibition. Keep up the good work, guys!
I am glad that Leno is getting bad ratings. This is due to his show sucking. I feel like a fool for even getting inexplicably excited and thinking it would be good. How wrong I was. The only thing worth watching is Headlines. And the headlines are funny, Leno does not enhance them in the least. Sorry, Jay. You lose. We need a fresh face, not the same old crapola.

Whoever put the bouncy balls near all of the glass bottles is proving my case about why I should be in charge of everything ever. And with that I am off. Ta.

a cautionary tale

2009-11-10T14:39:00.001-05:00

I will never forget the time that I almost died at Disney World. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatical. But it's my right! So my friend Jennie and I had just arrived in Disney World. We were staying on the Boardwalk so we headed for Epcot as soon as we got there. We were in line for Soarin' and were about 50 minutes deep in a 90 minute wait. We were engaged in a pretty heated battle with the people behind us. They were a pushy family and were trying to sneakily move past us in the wide queue line, as will happen to a group of two. The two of us sort of banded together with the family in front of us to prevent them from moving past. We made something of a wall and we could see the woman trying to edge past... It was really annoying. But at the same time I wonder if we were all on the same page in all that. Anyway, on to the dying part.

We were enjoying the trivia thingies on the wall and our queue combat when all of a sudden I knew I was about to create a protein spill. There was an exit from the queue, so I told Jennie to stay in line and I was gonna go vom. Then I got really hot and everything started sounding very far away. That's when everything went blue. I don't black out, I blue out. This is the part I don't recall, but I apparently lurched forward towards the railing and knocked some people's shit off of it. I bet I looked awesome. That's when the two Mom's involved in our battle went into full Mom mode. Before I knew it the lady in front gave me a water bottle and the lady behind me put a cool compress on my neck. I was coming out of my haze when the woman in front of me said, "Look, her sweat broke!" and then offered me some Goldfish crackers.

They saved me, really. I had made the grave error of not hydrating myself properly for a day of July Orlando heat. Air conditioning or not, you must, MUST, have a bottle of water upon arrival. I wouldn't have died, surely. But it would have forever been the vacation where Annie passed out in line and the medics had to come and blah blah. But thanks to those helpful Moms, I made a speedy recovery and we all just waited in line and got on the ride like nothing happened. I'm just as grateful that they acted like this was completely normal and I didn't almost just pass out in line as I am that they helped me. When you're in a queue line, you're part of a team. You're all there, you're all gonna have to wait. You have to function as a community. Sometimes you have to whip out a cold compress to remember that people in line are just that--people. They're not just orange cones in your way. And sometimes they almost die and throw up on you and knock your stuff over. And that is when you offer them Goldfish.

More favorite Disney memories to come. What will be next? The dirty diaper one? The one in which Grandma told Grandpa to shut up? We shall see!

death of a greeter

2009-09-28T12:15:00.001-04:00

Standing idly behind a desk, he thinks of the Cold War. He thinks of skyscrapers. He thinks of things all day. Really, he does. He knows it doesn't look as though he is, but his brain knows the truth. His brain knows that its full of things, many things. Each step he takes, everyday, he thinks of something. Of this he is sure. He can think of several recent thoughts he has had, in fact. No one can take that away from him; no one can tell him otherwise. Its concrete. It is as sure as the desk he stands behind, if not surer, for he has created the thoughts. They have ballooned in his brain containing various subjects and he knows they are valid. If they were not real, he couldn't have thought them. Or of that. He knew things, and you couldn't know anything without having thoughts, and he knew that as well. Circuitous perhaps but definite evidence of thought.

The desk, he supposed, could be an optical illusion. It was, after all, just made of tiny molecules. The desk, the air, his shoes, all of it existed. Nothing existed so surely as thought, though. It was comforting to him to know that he was capable of thought. He would always exist so long as this was true.

He gave himself over completely to thought and ceased to be as the desk and his shoes and the air. Could anyone notice the change? He was completely unaware of any physical component to his existence, but he did not cease to be. His thoughts overtook him and he was more real than ever before. Energy from everywhere overwhelmed him as he surrendered to his brain's control. The desk, the shoes, the air remained now for they remained in his thoughts. Things became static, changing, bending to his will. Bright light shone through every crack in his new reality. He neither rose nor fell as everything came to life and ceased to be. It was the end of nothing and the beginning of everything. His body collapsed to the ground behind the desk. His body would never cease to be, but it would never be the same. He cannot describe his existence now, but he can confirm it. His thoughts continue, melded to the universe, a beautiful and significant white noise

Name your baby Internetta.

2009-09-28T11:33:00.002-04:00

I just sold a mug. That is all the action I've had all morning. On five cash registers, we have so far had 7 transactions and not made more than $50. I am telling you all this to illustrate how mind-numbingly slow work here can be.

I'm currently involved in, as far as my mind is concerned, a war. A chess game. Something. I feel like the wily little guy who hasn't got any power yet but is determined to prevail. I've got my Charmander and I'm gonna do something with it! Damn it! They are taking our internet away. Without reason, without any real announcement, just months of murmurs and whispers and paranoia whenever an IT guy rears his ugly head. They sit up in their IT chambers, wearing robes and creating crumbs and making intricate tangles of wires. They are lazy by nature. They think that "on call" means you have your cell phone with you on your weekend away in Tennessee. Never there when you need them, always there when you don't.

Yesterday we were open for three hours before anyone bought anything. There isn't anything to do. At Great Wolf, they said, "If its slow clean the windows. If you've already cleaned them, do it again. I don't care if you clean the windows 20 times." I would fold shirts obsessively there. I would crank up Radio Disney and fold and refold and refold and rehang and rehang and rehang. I made more money there. Here, I make nothing. Without disclosing my pitiful wage, I will tell you that, after two years of employment (4 years not counting a 4 month absence), I make only 50 cents more than when I started.

I work hard when there is work to be done. But for this much money, I ain't cleaning the windows no 20 times and that's a fact. A girl that worked here used to have a saying... "Minimum wage, minimum work."

And so, as our CEO parks in his new special-est birthday boy parking spot and sits in his office Tweeting, I get my internet taken away and am left with nothing to do but pick my nose and read 20,000 issues of Woman's World. Yes, I'm whining. Yes, its not THAT big of a deal and I know I will find things to do without the Internet. But nothing quite passes the day like having a good 5 hours to read news articles. And I have never been so well-informed as now. Not to mention that with so much time for these things, I feel compelled to waste no part of my off days on the time-obliterating Internet. Its the perfect balance--workdays are lightspeed with Internet fodder, offdays are long and productive and lazy all at once.

I feel that I am being treated like a child, and my natural inclination is to respond like a child and stamp my feet and whiiiiine. But I am determined to try to win this war. I will demand accountability from the IT lizards and their evil wires. They WILL clean up the disgusting wire tangles they have left beneath our computers. They WILL give me a reason that they are doing this. I know I can outsmart them. To me, its a game. And I'm going to win.

Somewhere out there...

2009-08-20T16:26:00.002-04:00

The theme of the day yesterday seemed to, for some reason, be aliens. Now, a lot of the the people that I read or heard about yesterday would take that as a sign of some sort. I'm not really going to have that problem. With all of the kooky things I believe with regards to space and time and energy and blobbity blah, I don't think we will ever make contact with any sort of "intelligent life".

It all started in the morning when I was looking at the Twitter of a right wingnut that had once attacked me for calling Rush Limbaugh an idiot. I needed some morning amusement. What I got was funnier than anything ever. He had made a comment about aliens and how he thought they probably existed. He then went on to wonder why no one had ever thought to look for them somewhere on the "other side of the sun". With all the shocking poll results lately revealing that a startling number of Republicans don't know that Hawaii is in the US or that Medicare is government run, I guess this shouldn't come as too great a shock. Or maybe I'm the stupid one here. Maybe I am completely missing some other meaning that could have. But as far as I know, we are spinning along with 7ish other planets around the sun. I really wish I could ask him to draw me a picture of space so I could see what he thinks is going on there.

I later checked out a few articles on Digg about space exploration, focusing specifically on the existence of "intelligent life" in space. I then happened upon something called the "Camelot Project". I encourage you to check out their web site if you get as tickled as I do when reading conspiracy theories. This one is a real doozy, too. Its got aliens in ancient times, time travellers here now trying to help us avoid getting on the wrong "timeline" and quite a few people who recieve visions about the future. It never ends either. I'd had too much when I got to the part about radio towers in Switzerland controlling people's moods.

Personally, I'd rather be a crazy conspiracy theorist. At least they have a little imagination and smarts. You can't come up with all that stuff without at least a good amount of knowledge. Otherwise you'll just be prattling on about the other side of the sun.

Then when I got home, I put on Primetime to listen to while I did a little recreational painting. Coincidentally enough, it was about people who thought they'd been abducted by aliens. Turns out its really just a condition called "Sleep Paralysis", where one wakes and is paralyzed and then sees stuff, namely little green men coming to get them. Not helping these people is good ole Dr. Sprinkle. He does hypnotic regression to help people "remember" their abductions. I'm making him sound as villainous as possible but in reality, he's just a sad old man who seems to have gotten pretty confused about the whole real life versus fantasy mess. There is one guy in particular, Stan, who claims to have photos of the aliens who visit him. They're pretty hilariously unconvincing. The sad thing is, his wife supports him fully and they have children. Now, I have to say, it has to be pretty obviously not the truth for me to be calling bullshit on it. I'd usually say that maybe he is telling the truth and we don't know for sure. But this guy? Yeah. We know for sure. I think he really believes it, though, and his wife's gotta be Queen Enabler.

So what do I think about aliens? Never going to happen. From what I understand about space and space travel, there is no way for us to ever find alien beings through space travel. We don't have the technology to travel far enough or fast enough to go anyplace we don't know about. Everyplace we do know about is void of life. Another issue is time. Time is so funky to think about that it makes my brain feel like imploding, but we humans have not been here long, in the grand scheme of things. So, if I understand correctly, a being traveling from somewhere outside our solar system would either have to have some pretty impressive machinery or they might not make it here before we're gone. They'd definitely have to have technology far, far more advanced than we do.

Now, simply communicating in a "Hey, is anybody out there?" "Yeah, we're out here." manner is much more possibly possible, but I also think this is never gonna happen. Who knows what could be out there? We don't even understand our own planet, really. I don't have enough knowledge to come up with a good example of what exactly I mean. What I'm trying to say is--we are looking for life on our terms. I think our very existence is such an amazing chance and perhaps there isn't anything remotely like us out there. Probably there isn't. But what can't we see? What can't we understand? Perhaps a better understanding of ourselves and our planet is the key to understanding our universe. I tend to feel that space travel is a waste of tax dollars that could be spent on figuring out things about the ocean, about ourselves, about our brains! Like, we don't know what dreams are! Every night we all have them, we don't know what they are, and there we are up walking around on the moon. The ocean is a mystery, and here we are spending millions checking out Mars.

Maybe someday we'll understand our world. Maybe someday we'll understand the universe. But until then, we are left with Stan and Dr. Sprinkle and the majority of Americans thinking there is definitely life out there, somewhere. And maybe, thanks to our fantastic school system and Rush Limbaugh, someday someone will go check on the other side of the sun.

the answer is hoooooooooooooooooooooooome

2009-08-02T20:00:00.003-04:00

About once a year there is absolutely, positively nothing on. My DVR becomes a barren wasteland. Looking at it fills me with despair. The dreaded question springs into my mind--'What am I going to watch?' I turn to the On Demand channels, which I assume are one reason I pay a billion dollars a month for cable, but they rarely fill more than one evening. So in these times of crisis, I turn to reruns. (I wonder what percentage of programming is made up of reruns; I bet its an unsettling number.)

I think reruns are best enjoyed when it is a show you've never seen and you wait until the first episode of the series is on. That way, you can watch every episode, in order, conveniently rationed out into daily servings of old TV. Even a show like Seinfeld, where there really is no storyline that you need to follow, is best viewed in its original order. There is something discommoding about seeing someone age ever so slightly in just twenty minutes. I have done this ever since my dad decided to buy this new fangled contraption called a TiVo back when nobody knew what a TiVo was. I can still remember describing it to very uninterested people who acted like it was the most worthless thing they'd ever heard of (and now cannot live without DVRs). I watched a show called Ladies Man due to an untreated Alfred Molina obsession that still sort of leaves me scratching my head. I guess I just like big lugs. Anyway, after that I started watching ER. I'd never watched it and it was broadcast on TNT for two hours every morning. By the end of that year, I was an ER expert.

It opened my eyes. Just because you don't watch a show the first time around, doesn't mean you can't someday enjoy it just the same. For instance, Lost, Heroes and 24. All are (or were, at least) hit shows that I just couldn't fit into my DVR schedule. Summer brings reruns of current shows, but they're sometimes shown out of order or missing an episode. They're just not very reliable. I would definitely have watched all three of those shows, had I not committed myself to two other shows on at the same time. I can rest easy, though, because if those shows are as great as the hype, someday TNT or TBS or WGN will rerun them. And that's when I will make my move.

Over the years I've watched Ladies Man, ER, Saddle Club (er...nevermind), Little House on the Prairie, Sex and the City, The Sopranos, Seinfeld, and Boston Public and probably a few others my brain doesn't feel like remembering. There is a strange joy from watching them this way. I'm not sure quite what the difference is, either, aside from the fact that they are no longer new and no longer hot. I can't think of any sort of simile to reason it out. Its a modern mystery, perhaps. In any case, it gets me through those unbearable summer TV months without having to turn to drivel like Wipeout or More to Love (what I consider worthwhile and what I consider drivel is entirely arbitrary).

However, Hallmark Channel has pulled the rug right out from under me. For quite a while now, I have been enjoying two hours of 7th Heaven a day. This is a show I watched early in its original run, but I was the same age as Simon when it was on, so my memory is lacking. I lovingly refer to it as a study in bad TV. Early on its not quite as bad, but once Brenda Hampton is given free reign anything can happen. Its just ridiculous. All of the actors (with the exception of Stephen Collins) are thoroughly terrible but in the same way. The shots are cheesy, the plotlines are ludicrous and the dialogue, well, it speaks for itself (I couldn't resist). Its like every layer, every possible thing, is consistently bad. Its like the ugliest quilt you've ever seen. The stitches are uneven, but they're uneven in the same way, throughout. The colors are bug fugnuts and yet somehow they work together to make something uniformly awful. Its the worst thing you've ever laid eyes on but you have to look closer and really study it. Its like an ugly dog that you fall in love with at the pound, even though it has three legs and mange and is incontinent. Somehow, some way, its hideousness becomes endearing.

But Hallmark seems to think it necessary to add yet another hour of both Touched By An Angel and Little House on the Prairie to its schedule, for a total of 6 hours a day of those shows. And the worst part is, there was no warning. My DVR told me about the future episodes of 7th Heaven and allowed me to schedule them for recording. It even recorded what it thought was two 7th Heaven's that were not. Why did they do this to me? Did they read my relentless mocking on Twitter and take it to heart? Are there really people who have been crying out for more Touched By An Angel? Or did 7th Heaven turn out to be just too risque for them, after having to censor "butt" and "boob" one too many times? Whatever the reason, I am heartbroken. I had come to enjoy those two beastly hours a day. What would Brenda have for me? What new friends in need of help would the kids make today? What embarrassing guest appearance would fill me with delight? Would Peter Graves show up?? Would there be a whole plotline just about a pot roast? Ah. It seems like only yesterday.What would possess Hallmark to make such an abrupt change? I am genuinely interested. I have very little knowledge about television programming decisions. But I really wish they'd change their minds. Letter writing campaign, anyone?

I think the worst part is that I was left high and dry. There are desperate TV times and I simply can't afford to lose that much programming with no warning. And now I am left wondering----What am I gonna watch???

either the crock pot worked or this came out on its own

2009-07-04T11:06:00.001-04:00

I haven't had any caffeine yet, can you tell? By the end of this will you say, "Oh, she sounded off"? Odd thing, caffeine. I wonder what percentage of the country is addicted to it. Doesn't it seem like it should be some kind of epidemic? Like, oh my giddy god we are all addicted to a drug and we are effing grumpy until we get it.

I'm going to be the anti-Lennon here and imagine worse things than are actually happening. Seriously, imagine if the number of people addicted to caffeine were addicted to cocaine instead. And we'd have cocaine infused drinks and wear hilarious shirts that say, "Don't talk to me until I've had my cocaine". Actually I would kind of like to have that shirt.

My Blackberry had a death drop the other night, causing the rolly ball to fall out which renders it pretty much useless for anything other than phone calls. Went to the store and got a new Samsung Magnet. So far I really miss my Blackberry. A lot. You know, all those things you live without until you have them and then you just can't live without them. I miss looking up call history. I miss my text conversations showing up so I can see the last few things everyone said easily. And, perhaps most tragically, I miss having a rolly ball.

Reading the user manual for the phone I quickly realized that my dreams that it had all kinds of great features that I would unearth by reading the manual were just dreams. No such features exist. I'll get used to it, I can't afford the Blackberry. But I hope it knows I miss it, and nothing will ever be as good as it was.

So now I'm living in a world where everyone is addicted to cocaine and there are no Blackberry rolly balls. Not a very pretty picture, is it? Also, there are dinosaurs. Tragic. Just tragic. Volcanos exploding and everyone tweaking around the store, throwing their Blackberrys at me in frustration... Yes. My god. Is this what I have to look forward to? Its all any of us has.

The roaring became a constant rumble of noise as the black clouds thinned out and magma spewed from the volcano's mouth. The sudden addition of gases to the atmosphere had blocked out the sun and caused the immediate dissolving of all Blackberry rolly balls. Suddenly, a piercing cry rang out in the eerie calmness. "What am I supposed to do without my ROLLY BALL?" came the cry that broke through the rumbling and ash-thickened air. Hanging their heads in despair, the population of the world crumbled in defeat. It was the end of text messaging and they knew what this meant. From now on, they were going to have to actually make phone calls. Few could take it. Choking on ash and writhing in despair, many threw themselves into the awaiting mouths of the dinosaurs. Some remained optimistic. "We can do it," they'd remind themselves. "We can rebuild the world. We can make it without rolly balls." But even the cheeriest eventually had to admit defeat, as the Earth came to a grinding halt. They had forgotten, you see, that our world is but one big rolly ball. The object remains, floating motionless and black, littered with discarded Blackberrys. Worthless now as ever, carrying on just for the sake of carrying on. The age of man had ended with the end of the rolly ball. The dinosaurs, engorged from their feast, blasted off into space for new adventures. And Earth? It waits. Waits for a new day, a new dawn. Waits for a new phone.

holding myself to it by putting it in writing.

2009-07-03T19:43:00.004-04:00

Its about time I took control of my finances. My parents really pay for a lot of things for me and I know its only a matter of time before that stops. And when it does, its probably going to be abrupt. So, before that happens, I've gotta understand money.

I think the problem I have with money is the same problem that makes the majority of the country not really understand money... I was spoiled and I had zero responsibility. It suddenly hit me at 20 or 21 that I had no idea how much anything cost and no idea how to budget my money or save my money, among many other things I was completely unprepared for (laundry?!). I'd never paid for anything, ever. I wasn't allowed to get a job. My allowance was for CDs and movies and expensive dinners out nearly every night. And, truth be told, I'm still not. I pay for my cable and internet. Those are both wants. Everything else? I'll admit it, I don't pay a dime. Its sort of embarrassing and people tend to hate a person for being spoiled, so I feel wary of admitting how very little in my life is on my shoulders. But here's the thing, you may be reading this and hating me and thinking what a lucky bitch I am, but when the day comes that my parents stop paying, and it will come, if I don't prepare...I'm screwed.

So now I have to figure out all this money stuff. Auto insurance and cell phone bills and car payments and rent... Its all sort of a mystery. At least it was. I've been learning more about how much these things cost, and now I've got to learn how to have that money. I have a plan!

1) Switch banks and open a savings. I've saved up this year for the first time ever and I've got a nice start for a savings account. I know in the next few years I'm really going to be happy I did it. Plus 5/3 can kiss my ass on the way out. They are ridiculous.

2) Budget. I'm spending less than I was when "Party All the Time" was my theme song and life rule. I'm also shopping less and eating out less. I'm pretty sure that's why I've been able to save in a few months what I expected to take a year. Now, though, I've got to really get my hands dirty and see where my money goes. Its time to see what I spend, figure out how much I need, and save the rest instead of just setting an arbitrary amount.

3) Figure out all the stuff people who are money-smart take advantage of. IRAs, CDs, money market blah blah's--I know none of it. And I want to know it ALL. I figure by 2010 I should be able to be pretty knowledgable when it comes to where I should be putting my money. I think about retirement a lot, and I want it to be awesome.

4) Try to rebuild my credit. Despite my spoiled-noscity, I have terrible credit. See, its that whole responsibility thing again. I think I've got the hang of it now. So, I've got to do everything I can or else I'm gonna be 60 asking my kids to co-sign for me on a new condo.

2010 is about 6 months away, so that is the goal. In 6 months, I should really know what I'm doing with my money and being as smart as I can be. Because soon enough I'm gonna need a new car, and I don't think this one's going to be sitting outside with a big red bow on it. And someday I'm gonna need a house, and nobody's going to just give it to me. Nobody's gonna pay my car insurance or give me a credit card or take me grocery shopping, on them. Someday it's all gonna be on me. And I'm going to know what I'm doing when that day comes. And its going to feel good.

i get kinda crazy in my head for you

2009-06-16T17:31:00.002-04:00

Ever since man invented the portable music player, teenagers have employed them to rudely tune out the rest of the world which is just too annoying for them to stomach. They will crumble and die if made to spend too many hours listening to anyone "old" or, the worst of the worst, their parents... God. Just to hear them talk about anything is about the most embarrassing thing of life, let alone if they start talking to someone else (like a cashier). That's when, as a teen, its your duty to step in and let them know how annoying they are by going, "Mooooom! Just PAY her."

I remember what it was like to be inexplicably embarrassed by your parents. I remember walking the dog and staying a good ten feet behind them, lest anyone think I was walking WITH them or, can you imagine, enjoying it.

I know there are exceptions. I hope my kids are exceptions. But if they do act that way, its gonna be damn funny to me and I'm probably going to really make the situation a lot worse.

A teen was just in here, ignoring her parents by use of an iPod. She did take the time and care to tell her dad where the price tag was on something when he was asking me how much it was. That sort of annoys me too, Teen. She walked past the counter and I heard what she was listening to. I thought it odd that she was listening to Mellencamp but then I remembered what Jessica Simpson did years ago. My teen can and probably will ignore me, but I refuse to let them ignore me in favor of listening to Jessica Simpson. That's just rude.

my brains rotting out

2009-06-16T17:00:00.001-04:00

Of everything I read, of everything I try to learn about, the one thing that is really effortless is Disney. Somehow I retain all the fun facts that I read. I read so many nonfiction books trying to increase my knowledge of science and history, but my brain is like a sieve when it comes to these facts. Gimme a Disney book, though, and it all stays up there. The only thing I have trouble with is names.

This would really come in handy if there was some sort of Disney-related degree. If I were to create such a degree, I'd definitely call it something awesome. Like Disnetics.

In other news, my mom didn't email me back all day. The nerve of that woman! I asked her a question! A QUESTION!!!

My DVR is an exceedingly bleak affair right now and I really just want to watch TV all night and go to bed early. I went out last night, which I'm really not accustomed to doing, and we stayed out til midders which is very late indeed for me when I have to work the next day. To put it simply, "Last night drinky, today no thinky".

There are some kids in my peripheral and they're not being watched in the least and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. They're messing around on this little bench and fighting over who gets to sit there. Where is their mother?? So many orphans in this place. We have orphans often. Anybody? Gilbert and Sullivan? No? Ok. See ya later.

General Cornwall Tanner, Part Deux

2009-06-14T11:19:00.000-04:00

I'd like to let you all in on a little secret... I once wrote a blog about a particular episode of Full House I was watching and named it "General Cornwall Tanner". Well, it was a good decision in the end because most of the random traffic this blog gets is from people searching "General Cornwall Tanner". Go ahead, google it. I'm number one! Of course, these people never stay long.

Fear not, weary travelers searching for the good General. I assume a picture of the portrait of him is what you seek (as surely no one thinks he is a real person...right?) so as soon as I happen upon that episode again, I plan to take a screen shot and post it here. I feel its my civic duty at this point.

today, i start blogging more. about nothing.

2009-06-13T16:08:00.001-04:00

After a few hopeless months after I had the idea to go to Disney for my birthday, my boyfriend took me out to the bar to toast to the fact that he actually got a week off of work in early December! This means that we are off to Disney World! Our last vacation together proved to be quite a test (we were supposed to go to the Virgin Islands...three days later we ended up in Los Angeles) so I'm hoping this one is just relaxing. If we can make it through that, then we can certainly handle this. (Knock on blog *knock*)

We've decided to drive. We thought it through and, while it certainly has its cons, it seems like the best option for us. I came up with a brilliant idea to save us some money--ask my parents to pay for gas as my birthday gift. Driving was pretty much the only option in my mind after the fiasco Hellta (har) put us through (buddy passes or not, they don't care what happens to you!!!). My mom looked on Travelocity and offered to buy us two plane tickets down, since the price wasn't a whole lot more than gas would be. After yet more thought, we said we'd prefer to drive. I want to do my Christmas shopping down there and I don't exactly want to worry about cramming everything into a suitcase and paying however much when my luggage weighs too much only to have my luggage disappear into a black hole somewhere and me without my receipts. Wes is looking forward to driving through the "BBQ Belt" (I love him 'cause he's classy) and I'm looking forward to blasting Disney Mania CDs. Plus, really, I genuinely enjoy driving, especially such long distances. I feel like an explorer, I guess. Cheap thrills for me.

Now she's looking into renting a car because she claims she can get low rates at work ($20 a day, she claims). I may consider that if the price really is that low, I would prefer not to add so many miles to my car which is currently at about 86,000 miles.

Plus I need the motivation to finish cleaning out my car, as I have realized it is not a storage area.

Let me tell you a few reasons why this trip is especially exciting!
1) While Wes had a little taste on our three hour Disneyland visit, he's never been to Disney World. And its going to be Christmas decor time, which is quite romantical. Its always fun to be with someone on their first trip, because, not to be fannoying, its a magical place and you get to see them realize it. And see how truly awesome it is. And tell them fun facts!

2) Its gonna be empty! I haven't found any special goings-on yet, though in years past there have been cheer competitions at this time. But even with that, it still will be pretty chill. Which means we won't have to worry about time too much. Those are the best trips. I thrive under pressure and can work out a helluva Disney World schedule, but I really prefer cool temps and low crowds.

3) Christmas shopping! I've done my Christmas shopping in Disney before and its such a treat! Everyone loves all their gifts (who wouldn't love pink and purple Princess hot chocolate and the newest, hottest HSM merch?).

4) Rehabbed Space Mountain will be open by then (as long as it gets done on schedule, I don't really know how good they are about that...Dan? Anyone? Knowledge?) so I'll get to see the new interactive queue. I also haven't been in 2 years, so I'll get to finally go on the refurbed Rio del Tiempo! New Toy Story ride looks fun and there's a Dinosaur dining area at Pleasure Island. I heard they closed something like 8 of the night clubs though... I hope 8 Trax is still there!

Well, there's my Disney excitement blog. Oh! Oh! And I get to take my Disney tattoo to the park for the first time. I just hope they don't all start passing me around.

Stansbury material

2009-06-10T08:55:00.000-04:00

change of heart

2009-05-27T14:06:00.001-04:00

I think I'm giving up tabloids and gossip web sites for good. I just can't take all the HATE anymore. That's really what its about. We love to judge people and hate them. Jon and Kate just got its best ratings ever at a time when they are at their most hated---why do we love to have negative feelings? I'm over it, personally. I'm over being hateful and judgemental and wallowing in negativity. I used to love the snark but I think its a side effect of the prevailing negativity of our society and its not like it used to be. I like making fun of things to find humor but that really doesn't always have to be mean. Maybe there are others, feeling the same way, and the tide will turn and we'll get a little more positive. But I think things seem hopeless enough when you turn on the news, and its not making me feel any better to make normal people celebrities so we can crucify them. Its not making me feel any better criticizing people for such minor things when I am far from a perfect person. Its especially not making me feel better pointing fingers at others and saying, "You asked for this!!" when they didn't. Just because tabloids exist and paparazzi exist and they do crazy things... I mean, how are the paparazzi legal? How is making fun of an 8 year old on the Soup ok, even if said 8 year old was on television? Where is the line? It seems like there is none. And we're constantly crying out to Perez because we want blood. Its pathetic and sad. I've been as judgemental and mean as anyone and I'm sure I will continue to be both of those things at times in the future. But I certainly am going to make an effort to understand and sympathize with people before judging them. And I'm done with tabloids forever.

The whole time the whole Britney thing was happening, all I could think was how lucky I was I wasn't made famous at 16. She had a problem, she had a breakdown, she was a person who needed help and was suffering and the whole world was watching. So what did we do? Smiled with glee as it all happened. We made her a star and then we couldn't wait to see her go crazy and fall to pieces. I don't GET IT. Do we not want others to succeed? Why is the reaction automatically that she's terrible and take her kids away and judge judge judge instead of wanting her to get help and get better and being sad when she was acting out? And she's finally making a comeback and getting her life together and what do we do? Call her fat, tell lies about her life, criticize her performance. I don't think there's a way to justify it. And it says something about you if you try.

I just wish everyone tried to understand everyone else. The whole country feels polarized and there's this constant need for others to be wrong and you to be right. But I really think we all, myself included, need to take a step back and realize that we'll be a lot happier if we try to understand others before we judge them and then, after you've tried to understand and not rushed to hate, and we STILL hate them, then its ok. And, you know, people like Kanye... They give you a license...

auto-tuneeee

2009-04-27T12:02:00.001-04:00

Breaking Dawn, briefly.

2009-04-14T11:19:00.003-04:00

Ok, I know. I suck at blogging lately. I've got to come up with a way to fit it into my routine, because work is rarely slow enough for bloggery anymore.

As you might imagine, I don't remember as much about Breaking Dawn as I did after I read it. Its been a few months. This is why I must form a blogging schedule. Or start writing things down as I read. Or both.

I felt that Breaking Dawn was the least terrible of the four, just because it was a much quicker read because things actually happened aside from Bella thinking about stuff. Also we get Jacob as a narrator for a while and the break from Bella was much appreciated by me. While more interesting it still lacked action. Buildup with no payoff. I won't ruin the ending but I can tell you I was sort of excited, wondering what was going to happen and then....Meyer tricked me!! She made it seem like it wasn't going to be her same old boring stupid crap and then it IS her same old boring stupid crap.

I still don't understand why anyone likes these books. I found nothing about the story interesting. Its the lamest vampires ever meeting up with the lamest person in the world, Bella. They were frustratingly repetitive when it came to word usage. I'm very glad to finally be done with the series and am now embarking on my quest to figure out what people do like about it. There are quite a few folks I do not consider stupid, and yet they've told me that they like the books. I must pick their brains.

Coming up! Mini-review of Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen.

Currently reading...A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson.

Just finished...Wonder Woman by Jodi Picoult!

Book Review: The Politically Incorrect Guide to Capitalism

2009-03-04T14:47:00.003-05:00

I went into the library with a specific book on economics in mind and, when it wasn't there, I decided to get this one instead. Several months later I can say with a heaving sigh of relief that I have finally finished this piece of trash. I didn't notice that it was a Main Selection of the Conservative Book Club when I checked it out. It is, thus far, the most infuriating book I have ever read (and I've read Ann Coulter).

The author's tone is extremely condescending and he proves all of his points with stupid examples that would almost never occur in real life. And he usually then goes on to completely contradict himself. For example, the male-female wage gap is "largely" a myth. Also, because of FMLA, women deserve smaller salaries because they are more likely to take time off which will cost the company money. I mean, where do you even begin with that kind of logic? Anyone with a brain sees why that's wrong, anyone who thinks its right is so far into Idiot-Land that there's really no point in arguing.

Dr. Murphy will have us believe that capitalism solves all of the world's problems but that pesky government thing just keeps getting in the way! He claims that slavery was a burden to slave-owners and that it cost more to have slave labor than to not. The government just made it too difficult to get rid of slaves. If not for government interference, he claims, capitalism would've ended slavery naturally.

Did you know that capitalism also solves the problem of racism? For instance, if there are two waitresses, a black experienced waitress and a less-experienced white waitress, the racist business owner will lose money with the less-experienced waitress, thus capitalism solved that one. Yes, this is actually the example given to prove that point. Also, affirmative action hurts minorities.

Contradictions loom around every corner. The "manufacturing slump" isn't really real... And its not caused by outsourcing. What? Also, out-sourcing is good. Why? Because the corporations that out-source save more money than is forfeited by its laid-off workers. This makes America riiiich, says my good friend Dr. Murphy. Well, no. This is why the top fifth is twelve times richer than the bottom fifth. Most economists don't care at all about the rich, whines Murphy; "as if rich Americans aren't a part of America".

This one may be the most mind-boggling-- seat belt laws cause more accidents because people drive more recklessly because they are wearing a seat belt and hit more pedestrians. I promise I am not making this up.

Okay, I've reached my limit. That's really more than you even needed to know. If you'd like a book to make you violently angry, I suggest picking up this one.

I shall leave you with a couple of steps in Dr. Murphy's 12 Step Plan for Understanding the Free Market:
10. Study other "spontaneous" social institutions, such as language and science, where no one is "in charge" and yet the outcome is quite orderly.
12. Go through the newspaper and discover how government meddling causes or exacerbates the conflict in virtually every story.

Yes. Do that. See what you find.

With heavy heart I shall return this book to the library instead of dropping it into the Ohio.

-1,000,000,000,000,000,000 outsourced stars from China/5

chcheck it

2009-02-21T00:13:00.003-05:00

I thought that was fairly amusing. Enough to share it with the..er..masses.

Saw Children's Theater do High School Musical 2 tonight and it was quite amusing! And our seats were bogo so la dee da.

grabber-gate

2009-02-19T11:55:00.002-05:00

There is something magical about the dinosaur shop. Maybe its because I know its really mine when all is said and done. Maybe its because its nice and small and I know where everything is. Maybe its because of the dulcet tones of groaning velociraptors fill the air-- I can't really be sure. But I love it down here and it has drudged up an Annie who I haven't known in a while. She's in a good mood, she's nice to customers no matter how annoying they are, and she works her tail (har) off to the point of a sweat glaze everyday.

I have begun reading the last Twilight book and so far I want to punch Stephenie Meyer in the face once for everytime she says "twinkle lights". Bella and Edward are married, oh happy day, much rejoicing, blah blah and they're off to their honeymoon. As you can tell, I have not read very much yet.

I read the last two Georgia Nicholson books (Love is A Many Trousered Thing and Stop in the Name of Pants!) and they are full of hilarity as usual. They're beyond quick reads but they've made me want to reread the whole series so bravo. They are just so so hilarious. Everyone should read one, even if it must be secretly.

We got these new shirts in at work that are black with different germs all over it and it says in 50's horror movie font "GERMS: Know your enemy". I was wearing it yesterday when I got the nerdiest come-on in all of history... While pointing at dysentery (yes it is on my boob): "Bet you wouldn't want to eat that." He then went on to tell me that there were a few on the shirt he hadn't seen "IRL". My friends seem fixated on the fact that I even knew what "IRL" meant. Everyone knows I am a socially functional nerd.

WHY can't you pet seizure dogs? I want to SO BAD.

Coming up soon... a few book reviews, I'm on the brink on a few, including a book on capitalism that shows off a glowing endorsement from Ron Paul (which I failed to notice when I checked it out). Bet you can't wait to hear why we women-folk actually deserve lower salaries than men.

Also, in case you didn't notice, High School Musical 3 came out on DVD yesterday and all of you should really have a copy. Zefron is hot and there's no denying it so stop trying. I did, and I've been a happier person for it.

i am not alone!

2009-02-08T17:37:00.001-05:00

I felt much better initially after reading this blog. Then I read some of the comments section. I don't know which disturbs me more--that seeming educated people are insisting Twilight is the best thing ever or the level of utter stupidity illustrated by the rest of the Twilight fans. (And I accidentally read a spoiler! Geez!) I read a random sampling of the replies from Twilight fans and it only served to confuse me more. Is this all part of an elaborate prank where my friends got together and wrote fake versions of each of the books just to terrorize me? It somehow seems as though all of those people read a completely different book than I did, one that was well-written and action-packed and full of romanticality. I am now wondering, are these books popular in other countries? Well anyway, I could sit all day and screw up my face as I try to figure out what it is that I am missing, but I shant. Read that blog.

Twilight time

2009-01-26T15:45:00.003-05:00

Suddenly I was hit with the urge to see Twilight. I was going to wait until it didn't cost me any money, but I suppose my curiosity got the better of me. The audience was comprised of my friend Whitney, three other women and myself. Two women sat together (one looked as though she may have leapt from her seat at the screen at any moment) and there was one loner. I was ready. I now present for you my opinion.

Overall, it really wasn't good. You may be shocked to read that there were things about it that I enjoyed. For instance, Jessica and Mike. The only people in the film (and book, I suppose) who act like actual teenagers and very welcome comic relief. Right as I was about to take my last breath before boredom finally did me in, they popped up and (intentionally) made me laugh. The next two things that I liked really surprised me. First of all, vampire baseball was awesome. I really hadn't expected that part to be enjoyable, especially once I saw how stupid all the vampires looked when they'd do their fast running thing. But, miracle of miracles, this was a very fresh, exciting scene that this dull, dull film badly needed. And Muse! I cringed when I read that Stephenie Meyer liked a band that I also liked, but it all worked out in the end. Perhaps the most shocking thing that I liked was...deep breath...Edward.

I hate him in the book and I certainly don't care for Robert Pattinson (no matter how lonely and awkward Life&Style tries to convince me he is) but somehow I liked Edward. Don't worry; I'm not attracted to him. I don't see any "I heart boys that sparkle" shirts in my future. The only reason I can think of for this is because in the book we see Edward from Bella's eyes. This time I saw him from my own eyes. When he acted ridiculous, I could laugh without having to hear her stupid thoughts about it. Which brings me to the inappropriate laughter. It seems that every movie I go to, I let out a loud guffaw incontrollably at an unintentionally funny part. It came in this film after Edward spits that Bella can't get on their bus and then angrily pounds his fist on the bus door. It was just so ridiculous and Fonz-like, I couldn't contain my amusement.

Now for the bad stuff. It was ass-boring but I'm not sure how you could make a film from that book that wasn't since NOTHING HAPPENS but that's another post. First of all, I know its probably been said, but they're supposed to be crazy attractive. Alice? I mean, she's a pretty girl and all but gorgeous she is not. Her and Jasper are such a hair mess--I don't even know. I could understand if they styled all of them to look like what was attractive at the time of their change, but there is no excuse for Alice or the weird pointy monstrosity eating her head. Also, Victoria, James and the third dude are all fugly too. I can't help but think that if any of those people attacked me that I'd die laughing.

Jacob seemed so thrown in. I feel like they should've expanded his part or just not included him at all. And now they're not sure if they're going to use the same actor? What's the point of that? Charlie was awful. All the "awkward" moments between Bella and him were so manufactured. Oops! We both reached for the ketchup at the same time! Because it was in the script!

I did notice Robert's accent slipping in at some points... I mean, they are clearly cranking these out quickly to make the most of them, not trying to make good films, so can we blame the actors for phoning it in?

I enjoyed it more than I expected to but it was still a giant, smelly snoozefest. I remain baffled by the popularity of it. I have yet to read any reviews on it, so that's my next stop. I give it 1 out of 5 stars.

Oh, and Stephenie Meyer, don't make another cameo.

do what now?

2009-01-25T16:53:00.003-05:00

It seems the more time I have on my hands, the less time I find to blog. Peculiar.

I still don't have time to blog at the moment. Works almost through and I'll be damned if I waste a single minute getting out of here as quickly as possible. It makes me nostalgic for high school. I also just had a dramatified conversation with my grandmother on the phone. I don't know if you know this, but I am an awful person. Because I am not a victim and lack sympathy for other victims, I am the scum of the earth. This is, I should add, as far as my grandmother is concerned. Where I once was a treasured favorite, now that I am no longer a helpless child, I am all tarnished and icky and no one knows if they should touch me or not. No, I have not been to visit my sick aunt thus I am the worst person ever. Nevermind anything I had to do. Nevermind the last time I did. No, it is black and white, friends. You visit her and you're good; you do not visit her so you're terrible. Bonus points if you make Grandma cry when you tell her that you didn't have time.

Thank goodness I have my mother or I may never have avoided the tears that threatened to rear their ugly heads in the worst possible venue. They're just her crazy in-laws. Family can be just as terrible as it is wonderful. And for the same reason, no less. They'll always be there for you no matter what. But what about all the times you have to be there for them? And the lovely way that the people who get what they want are the people that are the worst. "We want to go on vacation, but the vacation that you took all the time to carefully plan and are paying for SUCKS! No, I don't want to plan it myself. I want you to plan and purchase a vacation that specifically I will enjoy and forget about everyone else!" That situation is happening on my mother's side of the family right now and its going to cost us going on a vacation at all because the Cleveland-ers have decided that the cruise my fake grandmother planned out with her travel agent and is eating the cost of (she's not even related to us!!) is not something they are interested in. So do we say, "Ok, have a good summer, we'll send you a postcard"? No, apparently we say, "Alright, where do you want to go?"

Families have got to be the most complex, messy, awful, terrible things in the world. A bunch of people who don't necessarily have the same values or beliefs or feelings all stuck together for life. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But I have had a very rude awakening over the past few years. I learned that not everyone is there for you when you really need it. More importantly, I've learned that my mother, absolutely, 100%, without fail, is.

Sometimes a person isn't there for you when you need it and you can't seem to find the time to visit them when they're sick.

Sometimes explaining all that to Grandma would be telling her a year's worth of things that she doesn't want to hear.

Sometimes not being a doormat makes you the bad guy.

Sometimes you're much worse off because of your family.

Sometimes you have to watch people you love do horrible, awful things but you aren't allowed to stop loving them.

Well, this is one of those specials blogs that's rendered me unable to think of any sort of conclusion that isn't the most depressing thing you've ever heard. I'll just leave it at that. Coming soon---Eclipse book review, Twilight movie review (find out where I laughed inappropriately!) and my experience with salvia.

ain't i a stinker?

2009-01-06T23:39:00.002-05:00

Dog adoption

2009-01-05T11:38:00.002-05:00

I was browsing Petfinder this morning and I really think that animal shelters have gone a little crazy. When I adopted my cat, Dante, it was easy. I just went into PetSmart, said, "I want THAT one" and voila. The adoption fee was under $100; I think it was around $75. I had to fill out some paperwork, about a page's worth. Sometime last year, I started thinking about getting a friend for him and started browsing the Petfinder selection. I found a cat that I really liked but didn't get her. Why? First of all, the application that you had to fill out was ridiculously long. Secondly, they said they'd be doing home visits to check on the cats. Its a cat. I could die and my cat would probably survive for a year without me even there, probably happier now that he could destroy whatever he pleased and feed off of my delicious rotting corpse. I'm weird--I don't like people going in my house that are strangers (including my landlord and any sort of plumber, etc.). I especially don't want some cat freak lady coming in and being horrified by my potted plant or that I don't clean the litter box every day. Its my apartment, its my own special brand of messy, and if the application doesn't convince you that I am not using the cat for some sort of ritual sacrifice then I guess I won't adopt your cat. I cannot be the only person who has been deterred from adoption because of this.

Today, I was browsing the dogs. I miss having a dog desperately, but I am waiting until I live somewhere with a yard so I can get a big guy. Every now and then I look through them to pass the time, and I've noticed something really bothersome. Not only do dog adoptions also call for mountains of paperwork and home visits, I also saw requests for vet references. The part that disturbed me most was the adoption fees. Many were upwards of $400! Look, its hard enough to get people to adopt instead of buying a purebred. Charging nearly as much as a purebred for a "mix" (aka MUTT) is ridiculous. These are kill shelters that have enough trouble placing dogs as it is without the exorbitant fees. I think they need to take a step back and rethink the system at these places. I firmly believe in adopting pets, but I'm certainly not paying $400 for an adult dog who isn't housebroken or trained.

Book Review: The Greatest Stories Never Told

2008-12-27T13:01:00.005-05:00

Because I am an annoying person who derives great pleasure from correcting others and spouting off "Did you know..."'s, I really enjoy reading books that offer up the real story. I did some looking around online and off to the library I went. The Greatest Stories Never Told is made up of "100 tales from history to astonish, bewilder and stupefy". It's author, Rick Beyer, has written quite an assortment of these types of books. I'd like to point out that it is presented by the History Channel. The Introduction assures us that all the facts have been checked and checked again.

This book is a snoozefest. There seems to be a reason these stories aren't told and its because they're ass-boring. Beyer's writing does absolutely nothing to spice them up, although its clear that he's trying. The book has three main types of "story". The first type is if-then situations. For example, did you know that Annie Oakley shot the ash off of a cigarette in Kaiser Wilhelm's mouth at his request before WWI? Well, she did. I just told you. Beyer claims that the gunshot "could have prevented the War to End All Wars". Yes, the idea is that if only Oakley had missed her target and hit the Kaiser that maybe WWI wouldn't have started. The same goes for WWII, according to Beyer. The car carrying the Archduke made a wrong turn and then he was assassinated. Imagine what a peaceful world it would've been if only Annie Oakley wasn't such a good shot or if Mapquest had been around for Ferdinand's driver! I mean, come on.

The second type of story is about the discovery of something. It starts with an "unlikely" story and then we're hit with the dramatic last sentence that is supposed to shock us. For example, a guy on a farm in Kansas in 1928 built his own telescope. "Even though he had only a high school diploma", he went to work for an observatory continuing the now-dead founder's search for Planet X. Skepticism abounded! He looked and did all this crazy work and stuff and then... "The farm boy from Kansas became the first American to discover a planet...which was named Pluto". What's with the ellipses? Dramatic pause? Because Pluto doesn't really deliver a big shocking punch. There are all sorts of stories of inventions originally made by someone else and places originally discovered by different explorers than we typically hear of, but I can't help but think the reason we don't hear these stories is because there's nothing sexy or interesting about them.

One of the few things I found interesting falls into the third type of story (which is maybe more of a sub-type of the second). These stories have the reasons behind things, like QWERTY. Apparently, QWERTY came to be because on old typewriters the letters would stick and if they were next to each other you had to wait for it to un-stick to use the other key. The QWERTY keyboard was born after letter order was studied and the letters were placed far away from the letters they are most often used next to. Yes, this is one of the only things I thought was interesting. And its really not very interesting.

Many things I'd heard of before, like the invention of Ivory soap (but that could be because I'm in Cincinnati) and the "war with Russia you never knew we had" (unless you've taken a college level history course). The only thing I was surprised to read was about the Scopes trial, which was apparently nothing but a publicity stunt for Dayton, Tennessee.

Beyer's efforts are apparent but the book falls short. No amount of ellipses or dramatic last sentences can spice up the dull tales he's unearthed. It almost becomes annoying to read such unspectacular facts written in such a sensational manner. I've come out of reading this book no smarter than when I started and my plans to read Beyer's more specific books are officially canceled. I was promised tales to "astonish, bewilder, and stupefy", but I think "bore, annoy, and waste your time" is more accurate.

I give this book a disappointing 1 out of 5 stars. Womp womp.

(I just noticed the "Staff Pick" sticker on the side... Yeesh! Good thing this came in from a different branch!)

Welcome to really bad cinema...

2008-12-26T16:28:00.004-05:00

I've been told so many times that I have awful taste in movies that I have accepted it as fact. I'm going to post some "Top 5" movie lists (stolen from Dan stolen from Drew). For the most part it should be unsurprising, but I am sure that a few will leave you scratching your head. Let the lists begin!

Top 5 Comedies:

1. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

2. Mrs. Doubtfire

3. Its A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

4. Trading Places

5. Harold and Kumar 2

Top 5 Dramas:

1. Little Women

2. Girl, Interrupted

3. Requiem for a Dream

4. My Girl

5. I Am Sam

Top 5 Horror:

1. The Nanny

2. The Bad Seed

3. Nightmare on Elm Street

4. Psycho

5. The Silence of the Lambs

Top 5 Disney:

1. Beauty and the Beast

2. Robin Hood

3. Three Caballeros

4. The Aristocats

5. The Little Mermaid

Top 5 Foreign:

1. The Red Balloon

2. A Very Long Engagement

3. Y Tu Mama Tambien

4. Amelie

5. Maria Full of Grace

Top 5 Romance:

1. Titanic

2. Emma

3. The Notebook

4. Love Actually

5. Knocked Up (only when not sober!)

come on, jah! provide already!

2008-12-19T16:31:00.002-05:00

You know what would get us out of this economic crisis in like two seconds?

Legalize that shit already. I'd make a whole blog about how ridiculous it is, but I like to think that my reader(s) are already aware of how ridiculous it is. Fidiculous, even. And I dare you to disagree with me.

cosmic retribution

2008-12-14T23:25:00.002-05:00

How DARE Kanye West desecrate Elroy Jetson!

When I read on D-listed that his performance sucked and there must've been something wrong, I didn't know that it would delight me so much to watch. I loved Kanye, once upon a time. It seems so long ago now. I like to think this was a brilliant plan carried out for Operation Humble Kanye.

o the world will sing of an english king...

2008-12-11T10:27:00.002-05:00

I was watching Robin Hood last night (the Disney version, natch) and it made me wonder about the future. Prince John is so ridiculous in that movie. In 800 years will there be Disney movies with a George Bush orangutan? Probably not (though not for lack of Disney... Disney will never end), but its an interesting thought. What will they be saying about us in 800 years? Hopefully its told with jaunty tunes! Lay that country on me, babe!

Can we talk about Phil Harris for a moment (Wikipedia tells me he was born Wonga Phil Harris...)? He's the one singing. You may also recognize his voice as Baloo from the Jungle Book or Thomas O'Malley in the Aristocats. I think he makes these movies. He also dates them. When's the last time you heard someone yell "Take me home, Daddy!" in a song? This blog will now officially be about how awesome Phil Harris is. Amazing musician, fabulous voice actor and he's funny! He's always saying awesome things like "roll with me, baby". I don't know, I guess when I think of "cool", I think of Phil Harris. Perhaps this is why I am so uncool? There's a thought. Sixties comedy is so great. Its dirty but all tongue-in-cheek. Just silliness and fun. Phil Harris' voice alone is just cool. Get him and Dean Martin together and I'm roflmfao. Team him up with Scatman Crothers for Aristocats? Coolness overload, baby.

Twilight venting.

2008-12-08T14:29:00.005-05:00

I am around page 400 in New Moon (Bold and Italic... where is the underline??). We're short-staffed at work today, which means that I get to sit in one spot with nothing to do but read. Normally I'd enjoy this. Today I am not. Because I am stuck with the crap that is the Twilight series. People who know me (perhaps too well) have accused me of not liking it on purpose, but I assure you that this isn't the case. I love young adult books. I enjoy a good vampire story. I have been guilty of disliking things just because they are popular (not purposefully, its weird) but I should point out that I have never not liked something when it is popular with KIDS. In fact, that's a surefire way to get me to love something. I knew nothing about Twilight except that it was a teen sensation. I expected nothing but a good story.

400 pages into the second book, I've encountered nothing good. I am determined to stick with it, mostly because my bff told me that its all worth it for the fourth book and that she almost didn't make it, too. Why is this such a huge thing? I absolutely can't understand it. The books are first person, which is extremely irritating because then you have to hear Bella's retarded thoughts. The first book is almost entirely her and Edward talking. I don't say falling in love because we are basically told that they are in love, as if that's how it works. Ah! The epic romance! You don't see them falling for each other. What we know from Bella's thoughts are that he's uber attractive. Why else does she like him?? Because he becomes easily enraged to the point of near abuse? He's dangerous and he's hot. That's it. And you better take her word for it that he's hot, you'll never hear a word to describe him otherwise. He's got auburn hair (or is it bronze? Bella doesn't seem to know either) and a muscular chest. And he's gorgeous. That's it, that's all you'll get, that right there. Bella is pale and 5'4". Hope that's enough for you too! Oh, and did I mention the only reason Edward likes Bella is because she smells so good and he wants to drink her blood? Certainly one of the most shallow love stories I have ever encountered.

Bella is the most worthless human being of all time. This is how it goes--She gets into a situation where her life is threatened. She doesn't put up any kind of fight and realizes that this is the end, she is going to die. Cue Edward (or Jacob, where I am currently) to save the day! Ta-da! A 21st century damsel in distress. She cooks and cleans too, boys! What are her dreams? Her goals? Her ambitions? EDWARD. Yep, that's it, that's all she wants from life is Edward. College fund? Spent. In fact, her real dream is to become a vampire so she can spend an eternity with Edward. The amazing Bella can't even walk, she's always falling. I'm not sure if this was just thrown in to make her character less flat or just to make her even more worthless than she already is.

Why else is Bella annoying? She moves to Forks and is the new kid at school. And all the boys are madly in love with her. But she doesn't get it. She's plain, she says. Well, clearly not, Bells. She also constantly claims to be shy but never exhibits any shyness! Ever! In fact, she's quite the opposite. She's also supposed to be smart. When does she ever show her brain, either? I've yet to see it. Edward wants to eat her (this is the only reason he likes her). Edward, go ahead. Get nice and full. Bella SUCKS.

The writing itself is also pretty awful. The repetition of words is maddening. Topaz, sinuous, repentant, scowl, grin. And its boring. All talk, no action. Bad writing can be canceled out by a great story. I think there were about 10 pages in Twilight where something actually happened (in Phoenix) and even that wasn't very exciting. Its just all so tedious.

So why so popular? When I googled "Why is Twilight so popular?" I was prompted, so I don't feel so alone. I guess I am really bothered by the fact that teenage girls are looking up to Bella. She has no goals or dreams outside of Edward and their romance is hardly something I would want any teenager emulating. I also certainly wouldn't want anyone thinking that Edward is the perfect man. He's ridiculously controlling. But he's so pretty! Oh! Ok. He's a creepy stalker that would GO INTO HER BEDROOM AND WATCH HER SLEEP!!!!

I've really been needing to vent about these monstrosities. Terrible book, terrible message, terrible writing. I haven't decided if I'm going to read the third and fourth books. I definitely need a break after this one.

I will leave you with this brilliant bit of prose from the amazingly shitty Mrs. Stephenie Meyer:

"If he really was a werewolf, then people would be shooting at him! I needed to tell him and his friends that people would try to kill them if they went running around like gigantic wolves. I needed to tell them to stop." -New Moon, pg 297-8

I can't believe it took all that schooling for her to write with the style and quality of a 12 year old.

sugar and air

2008-11-02T22:02:00.004-05:00

You know what scares and delights me? Inside me, some part of me, I know, I have a person who thinks its smart to not work a real job, live poorly (but happily?), just play with your kids all day, educate them yourself. You're teaching them the real lesson of life--be happy. If you aren't happy, what's the point? Money? That's it. Money. That's the dream, the dream isn't a happy life, its a wealthy life. And isn't that sad? When you really consider it, if you found someone to share it with you, wouldn't you just want to be happy even if it means second-hand furniture and old hole-y shirts? Maybe it takes being completely devoid of happiness to get your priorities straight. Maybe I'm young and I don't really get something everyone else gets. I'd rather spend my time learning how to be very happy then saving and working and slaving so I can buy what I want.

People show their affection with money and its not even a conscious thing, its the only thing you can think of. I love you, and I'm going to prove it with this money, because how else will you know? She loves him. She loves him because he gives her everything she wants, and all she wants are things, because what else is there? She loves him truly and really, she does. But that's the only way she can know for sure that he loves her too. And that's the only way that she can say it to anyone else. He let's her love us. She's so fragile, we give her strength by withholding. Shattered to pieces when the air is still, a wind is enough to destroy her completely. The armor we've built of silence and sugar lets her go on. It entices us. That armor also makes her wonderful and its tempting and you crave it and it makes you comfortable. Its cotton candy, you can eat and eat and eat. You taste it every time but it never makes you full.

You can't reject it, or she can't know you love her. You can't accept it because you know its just sugar and air. Its a decision you can never make.

ras-trent

2008-10-26T22:16:00.000-04:00

Times are hard. I've been keeping my laptop on my lap for warmth.

fids!

2008-10-24T21:48:00.005-04:00

Wtf SNL? Really? A whole sketch devoted to Andy Sandburg vomiting? That's how its going to be? What are you thinking putting that on at 9:54 on a Thursday night? That's acceptable for the end part of SNL only because the only people watching that probably aren't sober. Or they fell asleep with the TV on. (Shut up with your DVRs!)

Fidiculous. Honestly. You've got to know better than that.

The funniest part of the show included two people that aren't even cast members.

I just... I don't know what to say. I guess I'm just disappointed. Good night.

i liked the lawrence welk.

2008-10-19T22:19:00.004-04:00

Alright, Josh Brolin. I don't mind pushing your new film on SNL, but don't try to do this sneaky isn't-this-funny-well-its-my-NEW-MOVIE!!!!! thing to me. Just don't. Don't INSULT me. I like you. I'd like the see the film. But on Saturday Night Live, I just want to see you at least attempting to be funny in an unsmug fashion.

You know that woman on SNL who always plays someone completely insane? Love. Like, she's always jerky and nuts and sometimes deformed but it cracks me up every time.

And my last point. It was something. There was totally something that I was going to say. Then I saw the television and said something about that lady. And now here I am. What WAS I going to say?? OH.

If I were running SNL, I would not have had Sarah Palin on my show. She's not supposed to be in on the joke.

geek squad

2008-10-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

I reluctantly handed my laptop over to the Geek Squad today. I didn't really think about how much power I was handing over. All the weird pictures. All my internet history. Whatever weird documents of thoughts I've saved over the years. But perhaps they'll enjoy my Paint masterpieces. Like, imagine if you had a stranger's computer. Wouldn't you want to look through all of their shit? I would. The real question is do I mind. I'm not sure I do. I don't think there's anything illegal (the guy quelled any fears I had about music downloading narcs). I am hoping he'll hurry and get mine done!

Oh, but the downside. He told me that my laptop will never ever be able to run Spore. How depressing! Who knows when I'll ever get another computer. Its desktop icon just sits there taunting me. He also said that McAfee is nothing compared to him, he is human anti-virus software (insomany words). My pitiful McAfee has identified a virus but I probably have like a million because of Limewire. Well if virus software isn't good enough then what is a person supposed to do?? I guess there is only one option. Become best friends with the Geek Squad guy.

Are there no drive thru Dairy Queens in the tristate area?! All I want is a pumpkin pie blizzard slash to not leave my car. I don't think that's asking a lot.

general cornwall tanner

2008-10-13T20:36:00.000-04:00

I'm watching Full House. Its the episode with the Three's Company theme song ("the thing and the thing and the bike!"). You know the one (Dr. Everything'll-be-alright...). Its kind of a weird episode, Michelle buys the donkey. Anyway, at the beginning they're all bitching about how its a 90 degree day and its so hot and where's the lemonade yet they're all wearing pants and long sleeves. Except the children, who are in various matching sets and weird bathing suit leotards.Who, you'll notice, haven't commented on the heat. Why? Because they are dressed appropriately! I am as outraged as you are.

This brings me to my next thought which is that 90210 would do well to feature John Stamos having an affair with Lori Laughlin. How fawesome would that be?? The whole world would watch that. It'd be like Luke and Laura, or so they'll say. That show needs something. It is so far inferior to Gossip Girl, it would do well to be the anti-GG. Cheesy, kitschy, tongue-in-cheek... Idk. I really want it to be as good as I pretend it is so that I keep watching. Good luck and godspeed, 90210. And Uncle Jesse. It could be your key to the universe.

wait!!

2008-10-08T19:25:00.000-04:00

Does anyone ever actually say, "I-I can explain!" in real life?

I'll have you know that that FLY is a war hero.

2008-10-04T14:34:00.002-04:00

Unless you are Hayley Mills, I am sure you can all relate to inexplicable hatred. You hate that guy at FYE who always tells you he needs your autograph on that credit card reciept. You hate your neighbor because she always leaves her trash can out for like three days. You hate the guy who drives the green Kia because he never leaves enough room to park behind him (and he's about two feet from the curb). Its easy to focus all of your frustrations on these people because not only are they frustrating, but that's all you know about them. That guy at FYE could volunteer away all of his free time on your favorite causes, he could agree with your political views exactly, he could be your best friend if you'd met under different circumstances... You just don't know. All you know is that he always asks for your autograph and that's really effing annoying.

So what happens when you finally learn more about this person? When a co-worker tells you that guy that you hate because he never says hi is just really shy and actually loves Sailor Moon and Ugly Betty and is awesome? When that guy at FYE recommends a CD to you and it ends up being the best CD ever? Personally, I become overwhelmed by guilt. I've spent who knows how long bitching about this person to any number of people and now they suddenly have some redeeming qualities. It's easy to hate George W. Bush but if I was stuck in an elevator with him and he had two joints in his pocket and we got to talking and when the elevator finally came back on I was somehow a little disappointed... I'd feel bad. Bad about anything I'd said. Sure, there's all this bad stuff... But what about that special time in the elevator when he became a cool human being that I liked?

Today, I am guilty. Marlene is volunteer here. A few of the volunteers are wonderful women. I accept that they are old and know a whole bunch of stuff and I like it when they pat me on the head and say, "I always forget that you're only 21". They're the toughest crowd, you know. They move slowly. Computers stump them. But for the most part they are nice to talk to and nice to have so that I don't have to rot in the "adult" store and can keep on dissecting owl pellets or making potholders or whatever it is that I do. There are two that I do not care for. No, not at all. Doris and Marlene are awful. They're rude, they're entitled (they've lived long and cushy lives!) and they're the reason old people have a rep for being annoying and old. The phone rings. "Who IS this," someone demands. Must be one of those two. Why are they calling? Computer problem. Its always the same and its always annoying.

Recently, Marlene has decided that she wants to be on the payroll. That's right, for some unknown reason, she would like to come in and work in our children's store two additional days. For money. I could understand her prescence before since it was free and all, but this seemed ludicrous. She is constantly at war with our merchandiser since she's got that amazing sense of entitlement and moves things around as she sees fit. Its gotten to the point where the merchandiser has threatened to threaten our boss with the classic, "Its HER OR ME!" (Which never works out. I find that you should make the other person so miserable that they screw themselves with the ole "them or me"). I was called over this morning to help her with a computer problem. She told me she was seeing the "leaves", which is the desktop background. "Does it say CAM at the bottom anyplace?" "No." I went over and, sure enough, she's somehow clicked out of the only program that needs to be open. How does one accidentally exit a program that asks you twice if you're sure you want to? It boggles the mind! So over I went. "You just need to click on CAM..... Double click... Click and click again... Click twice in a row.... Ok, there ya go." And its always that simple.

I complained about that a LOT. Its annoying! And we're going to pay her for this? We're going to put her alone in a store where she may not be able to have someone come help her when she messes up the computer. I told my boss all of this. My boss told me she would be a good "grandmother type" to have in the children's store. I just screwed up my face and said, "I don't really get that from her." And then.... she suddenly became a human.

I went to relieve her for lunch and she said, "Do you think you could think of some things I should learn about computers to teach me? I really feel comfortable with you, Annie. Do you think I need to take a course or something?"

Uh.
Buh.
Guh.
I am a horrible person.

She knows she's bad at computers. She wants to learn about them but she doesn't know how. She wants my help.

I suppose the only way to atone is to teach her some things and shut my big mouth. Doesn't she know she is a flat character? The moral is, of course, that you shouldn't just hate a person because there is way more to them than just that annoying thing they always do. A lesson, I suspect, I will continue relearning until the day I die. I bet my last words will be, "If that fucking nurse brings me ham one more time...".

how can you say that??

2008-10-01T21:57:00.000-04:00

Do you ever suddenly think, 'Wow, my TV is up reeeally loud'?

Live from my Blackberry....(if this works!)

2008-09-30T18:56:00.000-04:00

I refuse to talk about politics for the most part. It makes me uncomfortable and I am unable to argue it. You know that qualifying thing that I hate? I do a lot of that. "Well, I'm a lot younger than you..." But do I really think that's true? Let's face it, young people think old people are politically stupid bc they're old, old people think young people are stupid. When it comes to actually saying that, I just can't.

This is mostly because of my family. Rich Republicans on one side, inexplicably silent Democrats on the other. That doesn't leave any room for political debate. My red relatives are so hard-headed that it would do little good to argue. I don't know if you've ever tried to argue against people like that, but I'm convinced that its impossible.

I'm very concerned about Thanksgiving. So soon after the election... I have no trouble just keeping my mouth shut, but they want a fight. They ask and ask and pick and pick and there's no good way to put anything, you're doomed. Doomed! See, the problem is this: they're smart. Too smart. You can't win.

So how do I deflect these arguments? How do I bow out gracefully and consistently but STILL amuse myself? (I typically silently observe family fuctions as though I'm watching a hilarious movie) Its time to BRAINSTORM.

Here's an idea! Play dumb. This could be fun. On Labor Day, Grandpa asked me if I knew who Sarah Palin was, very sure that her brave decision to have a high-risk pregnancy would win me over. I can just picture it! "No, who's she? ...... Wow! She sounds great! What kind of political experience does she have?" HA! Yes, I rather like that idea. I've gotta start working on this now. Nothing like a little improv with unsuspecting customers.

You know, the guy in that commercial gets stuck in a marijuana cucoon. Wtf. Whoever made that knew it would just freak anyone high out. Brillz, really. But then again, just think of all the pot you'd have when you burst out! Its the American dream. Good night, sleep tight!

This could be the staaart, of something neeeww...

2008-09-29T15:13:00.002-04:00

I haven't written my first blog yet because I've been too unsure of myself. I mean, I just stare at this vast empty blog and wonder what to write. Not that my head isn't a constant stream of hilarity, but how to translate that to a few typed paragraphs? Not to mention it seems that a good number of people hear "nonsense" or "retardedness" instead of hilarity. But retardedness isn't even a word, so suck on that, haterzz.

The real question I am grappling with is whether to write about the day-to-day or be more organized. Should I narrow it down to a specific topic? Should I just write about books or TV shows or Disney? Should I write about how hard my life is and complain constantly? No, no. Leave that to the pros. The thing is, I WANT to have a gimmick. I want to be that annoying lady in the forums asking for "feedback", waiting for my big break. The problem is, I certainly am not going to start pimping out a blog that I'm not pleased with. I've had internet popularity in my youth, its a funny and addicting thing. Why not return to my place in the sun? Sure, I've lived out in the big, bad world and made it on my own, just to prove to everyone on the internet that I could. Well, now I am back and ready to take it by storm. Maybe its a big undertaking, but I feel its my obligation to the community that made me what I am. That said, to get my old friends back, this would have to be an *NSYNC/Neopets blog.

I guess I am back at square one.

Wow, I zoned out, reliving the old days, for a moment and it suddenly struck me how weird it was that, at age 12, I was writing fan fiction about Lance Bass (I had no idea he was gay. I never do. You know what they say, "Always a fag hag, never a bride."). I was writing fan fiction that hundreds of people were reading and clamoring to get into. They would fill out an "application" and I would then choose the lucky few who'd be paired with the other *NSYNCers (I was with Lance of COURSE). And its not like it was a bunch of other 12 year-olds, I was the youngest. Most of the people I associated with were in their 20's. People in their 20's who got their kicks from some good old Lance Bass porn penned by a 12 year-old who'd never seen a penis before...

Anyway. Here's a little information for you. I work at a museum. The shops here are run extremely ineffectually leaving me with a whole lot of free time where I have nothing to do except read a book, listen to the radio, or engage in some internet activity. This particular computer does not have Flash player (it thinks it does, but it doesn't, and I don't have the heart to tell it) so Spider and Paint are the only "games" I can play. I hope to utilize my Paint skillzz to spice up this place a little bit. My daily reads are Television Without Pity (specifically Ugly Betty/Gossip Girl Y Jacob) and Cracked. Usually something I read on one of those will lead me down a twisted Wiki-path of learning where I end up emailing my dad weird old game shows that have been destroyed, spouting off "fun facts" all night to my friends ("Did you know Gene Rayburn's parents were from Croatia and he could speak Croatian??!") or reading about new and interesting conspiracy theories to keep my friends in the know (you KNOW there's gotta be another reason Bob Barker wanted pets spayed and neutered).

So what to put in here? Inane rambling? Lists? Opinions? Topics? Ack. Let's play it by ear, people. There are two rules I am setting for myself. A) This is not for drunk writing. My laptop is dead right now and I've only got the work computer, so hopefully this should not be a problem. I am swearing, right here and now, to never clutter this with poorly written, misspelling-laden, alcohol-induced garbage that would just get deleted in the morning anyway. And B) I promise to never qualify. There's nothing I hate more than someone who's always going "I might be wrong, but..." or "This is just my opinion...". I refuse to allow myself to do this! I will not write anything that I won't stand by. Think of the one person you can never beat in an argument. I guarantee the person you're thinking of is hard-headed and says things with such blind confidence in their opinion that you are sometimes scared to even respond. They may be making up what they are saying completely, but they are SO SURE of it... They just said something that made no sense at all and is so ridiculous and absurd that you can't even come back with anything. ("I would never vote for someone named HUSSEIN." "Uh... buh... guh... that's GAY!") That said, I may be in the express lane to becoming that person. The difference is, I am RIGHT. Duh. Also, I say I won't write drunk. There is another recreational activity I enjoy and its fair game, maaaan. If you think, 'Wow, this is blowing my mind!' then that probably explains it.

Alright. There it is. Legendary first blog. First day of the rest of my life. Please comment, even if its crap ("Your retarded" "You have a lot of comma splices"). More structure to follow. Aaaand... Bye!