when jesuses attack

As I sit in the shop this evening---alone, bored, watching people mingle to the horrible sounds of smooth jazz--I find myself ready to again venture onto the "Beyond Today" web site to see what they have to teach me. There really is so much about being a Crazy Christian that I don't understand. Today, I am going to focus on the Rapture. Everything I know about the Rapture I learned from a book about Liberty University. It seems as though there is some disagreement amongst Crazy People about what exactly the Rapture means. So, come, let us take a journey together, shall we?

Last week's "Beyond Today" was called "The Rapture: Fact or Fiction?". I am saddened that I missed it and don't have a computer that will play any videos, but there are rather a lot of articles they link to from the web site. The interesting thing is that I read an article that was almost verbatim what Darris was saying on the show, but it was written by someone else. Even the little anecdotal bit about listening to an old radio show was in there. Both the article author and Darris talked about it as though it happened to them so I guess I am a little confused as to how this show works. I guess Darris is just reading the script? I was under the definite impression he was the mastermind. But, anyway. The Rapture is way more important than all this crap.

The subtext for the episode reads, "Why do many people believe a doctrine that has no biblical validity? Isn't it time you learned the real truth?" Why yes, subtext. I believe it is.

So it seems to me that there are two camps--The people who believe Christ is going to snatch up all of the Believers into Heaven and the people who believe him he's actually physically coming back to Earth to rule it. Of course, both camps have Scripture to back up their interpretation. It's so arbitrary what is meant to be taken literally or not. All I know is, if I ever see the future, then I am going to be so effing cryptic when I tell you what's coming. I'm going to say some things that are literal and some which aren't. I'm going to use antiquated terms so that you understand my meaning whereas the people in the future will have to interpret it. Just be as generally confusing as I can possibly be. Hell, why not!

Let break down for you why the "Beyond Today" group thinks that the Rapture isn't what you think it is. First of all, it wasn't taught about until 1,800 years after Christ began the Church! Oh, ok! The one time they care about when something started being taught...

Ok, they think that Christ isn't going to come and take people away, that he's going to physically come and be here. They helpfully explain that human beings cannot rise into the air, so they have to be turned into spirits first. Oh, ok. That does make perfect sense. Silly me! Thinking Christ could make people float! They have to be spirits first. Right. Ok.

So the good people get turned into spirits so they get to skip the whole Final Judgement line. But not all of them, some will be martyred. Just for fun, I guess? This is all made clear by some Bible verses which refer to a woman and a dragon. But not real ones! Dummy! Don't you get this yet? The woman is supposed to mean the Church and the dragon is... God? Its unclear. But one thing is clear, it's not supposed to mean a dragon.

And the zombie saints are going to come out to welcome Jesus back, and he's here to stay, because you wouldn't just welcome someone who's leaving soon. Duh. So the world doesn't end with the Second Coming of Christ. He's just going to come back and rule. Because he totally loves ruling people and stuff. And if you didn't believe in him, well watch out. Jesus is going to go all John McClane on your ass.

So Jesus is coming back and you'll know when because you'll hear the trumpet. Then dead Believers will come back to life so that they don't miss all the fun. If you're alive and a Believer, then you're going to become a zombie spirit thing too. Then all the Spirits are going to make a big welcome wagon for Jesus, who is coming back here to stay.

NOW do you get it?

beyond dumb

I was watching 7th Heaven the other day on WGN (I know!) and saw a commercial for a Sunday morning program called "Beyond Today". I was intrigued enough to tell my DVR to record that shit. This morning before work I watched about half of it and, let me tell you, it was a trip. The host, Darris (I don't know what kind of name that is), has a lot to say into his little microphone headset thing, but I had no idea what he was talking about half the time. If you zone out for a moment, as I am wont to do, you will be completely lost. Probably even if you don't zone out.

He starts out talking about Europe as though its some weird continent we may have never heard of before. It's an emerging Superpower! He says it might make you think of World War II or perhaps that it is a country where a terrorist can board a plane with explosives strapped to his waist. Then he shows this crazy shaky video where the camera is an airplane flying at some buildings. Are you scared yet?

Well, you should be! Because in Europe, they don't care about marriage or whatever. Marriage! A bunch of fornicators, those Europeans! And the Bible says something about the Second Coming of Christ happening after something about ten Kings coming to power or something and so that is happening right now, and the Second Coming is, well, coming.

It's always right around the corner, isn't it? Well, fear not. The Christian God is one of mercy and he will send you signs but you've gotta pay attention. Like the ten Kings. Darris assures us that, although we call them Presidents or Prime Ministers now, this will be one of the clues from the Bible so we'll be ready.

Between terrorists and the End of Days, we really have a lot to worry about, don't we? Oh, and fornicators, of course.

I've not yet finished watching this show, as I mentioned above, so I took a little trip over to the web site to see if they could fill in the gaps for me. Darris seems to have a habit of saying really simple sentences but then launching into a very quick few sentences that carry the bulk of the information. That's where my brain starts going, 'Wait, what??' But it seems as though the Book of Revelations is inherently confusing, as prophecy tends to be, since if anyone's going to buy it then it's got to be pretty vague and cryptic.

And so I read one of the accompanying articles, entitled "Europe: A New Superpower on the Rise". It talks about how in the 60's, the social-ists [sic] took over in Europe and that's when we got all that evil homosexuality and abortion and easy divorce (oh my!). They've also including abolishing the death penalty in that list, which is interesting. I've always found it odd that Christians champion the death penalty, but I suppose if we really are going to take the Bible literally then it does make sense.

Anyway, so I guess they think that there's going to be this United States of Europe, of sorts, with Germany at the helm. They make a point of mentioning that Churchill said Germany would never rise again but an old Christian radio show from the 60's did, so TAKE THAT CHURCHILL. You don't know SHIT.

Basically, the Treaty of Lisbon means that the US is going to keep on declining and Europe is going to rise up as a "new superpower", "rivaling the United States". Ok. So how does Jesus factor in? And wouldn't this seem odd to a person who believes that the Christian God favors countries that live the way he says to, yet Europe is this hot-bed of homosexual activity and abortion and whatnot?

The gist seems to be that the Book of Revelations talks about prostitutes and fornicators but this was supposed to be metaphorical. Isn't that convenient for this argument? Oops, I mean, doesn't that make perfect sense? The Church in Europe is in bed with the State--the Secular State--and this is what the Bible really meant.

Ok, are you confused? Well just wait. See, the Kings are supposed to be with "the beast". The Beast is whoever is leading this whole European Superpower thing. They will have power for one hour (not literally, you imbecile! This is just supposed to imply a short time) and are going to somehow make war with Jesus and then Jesus is going to come back and BAM! Rapture.

So, you see, the economic problems we are having are occurring so that the "revived Roman Empire" (aka Super Europe) can take control of the world so that Jesus can come back.

Yes, there is a weekly TV show for people to spout about this crap. They certainly speak as though they're talking about something real. It's really sort of mind-blowing at the same time as being really scary with just a pinch of sad-that-people-are-so-dumb. I go back and forth between being terrified that people actually think these things and amused.

Today, I am amused.