when jesuses attack

As I sit in the shop this evening---alone, bored, watching people mingle to the horrible sounds of smooth jazz--I find myself ready to again venture onto the "Beyond Today" web site to see what they have to teach me. There really is so much about being a Crazy Christian that I don't understand. Today, I am going to focus on the Rapture. Everything I know about the Rapture I learned from a book about Liberty University. It seems as though there is some disagreement amongst Crazy People about what exactly the Rapture means. So, come, let us take a journey together, shall we?

Last week's "Beyond Today" was called "The Rapture: Fact or Fiction?". I am saddened that I missed it and don't have a computer that will play any videos, but there are rather a lot of articles they link to from the web site. The interesting thing is that I read an article that was almost verbatim what Darris was saying on the show, but it was written by someone else. Even the little anecdotal bit about listening to an old radio show was in there. Both the article author and Darris talked about it as though it happened to them so I guess I am a little confused as to how this show works. I guess Darris is just reading the script? I was under the definite impression he was the mastermind. But, anyway. The Rapture is way more important than all this crap.

The subtext for the episode reads, "Why do many people believe a doctrine that has no biblical validity? Isn't it time you learned the real truth?" Why yes, subtext. I believe it is.

So it seems to me that there are two camps--The people who believe Christ is going to snatch up all of the Believers into Heaven and the people who believe him he's actually physically coming back to Earth to rule it. Of course, both camps have Scripture to back up their interpretation. It's so arbitrary what is meant to be taken literally or not. All I know is, if I ever see the future, then I am going to be so effing cryptic when I tell you what's coming. I'm going to say some things that are literal and some which aren't. I'm going to use antiquated terms so that you understand my meaning whereas the people in the future will have to interpret it. Just be as generally confusing as I can possibly be. Hell, why not!

Let break down for you why the "Beyond Today" group thinks that the Rapture isn't what you think it is. First of all, it wasn't taught about until 1,800 years after Christ began the Church! Oh, ok! The one time they care about when something started being taught...

Ok, they think that Christ isn't going to come and take people away, that he's going to physically come and be here. They helpfully explain that human beings cannot rise into the air, so they have to be turned into spirits first. Oh, ok. That does make perfect sense. Silly me! Thinking Christ could make people float! They have to be spirits first. Right. Ok.

So the good people get turned into spirits so they get to skip the whole Final Judgement line. But not all of them, some will be martyred. Just for fun, I guess? This is all made clear by some Bible verses which refer to a woman and a dragon. But not real ones! Dummy! Don't you get this yet? The woman is supposed to mean the Church and the dragon is... God? Its unclear. But one thing is clear, it's not supposed to mean a dragon.

And the zombie saints are going to come out to welcome Jesus back, and he's here to stay, because you wouldn't just welcome someone who's leaving soon. Duh. So the world doesn't end with the Second Coming of Christ. He's just going to come back and rule. Because he totally loves ruling people and stuff. And if you didn't believe in him, well watch out. Jesus is going to go all John McClane on your ass.

So Jesus is coming back and you'll know when because you'll hear the trumpet. Then dead Believers will come back to life so that they don't miss all the fun. If you're alive and a Believer, then you're going to become a zombie spirit thing too. Then all the Spirits are going to make a big welcome wagon for Jesus, who is coming back here to stay.

NOW do you get it?

leashed initial deviation

I was a kid on a leash. Not a leash like today's Monkey Backpack Fake-Out Leashes, but a spiraled stretchy red one with velcro wrist cuffs. I can remember being attatched to it in only one memory in which I am at the zoo in a big crowd of people.

I tend to judge Leash Users. They generally just look lazy. Like somehow four adults can't keep track of one kid and so they have to leash the kid out of utter laziness. God forbid they have to, like, run after them.

But I know my parents aren't like that, they're just uber paranoid. I'm sure it was more just to be sure that no one grabbed me out of the crowd. I was such a vibrant and attractive child that it really makes a lot of sense.

The parents I see now, though, just seem to be lazy. They're generally not in a crowd. They stand there while their toddler tries and tries to get further than the leash will allow. Their kids behave worse on the leash than I would expect my dog to behave.

Ok, I don't have a dog. But I have had a dog. And you teach them to heel. So, if you are going to leash your child, in essence treating it like a dog, then at least have the decency to train it like a dog.

I can't believe there hasn't been some outrageous leash death story. Like a kid's leash gets stuck in a wood chipper and slowly pulls him towards SUDDEN DEATH. Then you could really be outraged when you saw a leashed kid. "Those things are DANGEROUS. How lazy are you?" So lazy that they'd rather put their kid through a wood chipper than run after them.

See how easy you can spin that?

I'm certainly not calling for blood, but you see what I mean.

(I am in no way suggesting that anyone put a child into a wood chipper. Just to be clear. Although you Mainstream Media Thugs are just going to take what I say out of context anyway.)

Or maybe some people could accidentally switch leashed kids and not realize it because they are ignoring their children entirely. That could be wacky.

I've always had this dream where there are things called "Lost Child Simulation Rooms". For instance, you'd have one of the Rooms in the mall. Then any unattended children who are either too young to be unattended or are causing a ruckus would be whisked off to this Room. When the parents realize that they're missing a kid (you know, after like FIVE hours have passed) then you take them to the Room and they can have their kid back. But not until it is explained to them that they were put in the Room to demonstrate how they could already be gone or have caused thousands of dollars in damages or at least really made someone hate their job.

It would probably have little effect but it would make the people that have to deal with said children feel better.

Do you think Octomom has 8 leashes and then they all get tangled up around her and she's wrapped in all the leashes, carrying a bunch of shopping bags? Well, don't worry, little one. In Heaven she does. In Heaven she does everyday. Now, go quietly into that gentle wood chipper, little leash martyr. Twas not in vain.