April 26, 2010

leashed initial deviation

I was a kid on a leash. Not a leash like today's Monkey Backpack Fake-Out Leashes, but a spiraled stretchy red one with velcro wrist cuffs. I can remember being attatched to it in only one memory in which I am at the zoo in a big crowd of people.

I tend to judge Leash Users. They generally just look lazy. Like somehow four adults can't keep track of one kid and so they have to leash the kid out of utter laziness. God forbid they have to, like, run after them.

But I know my parents aren't like that, they're just uber paranoid. I'm sure it was more just to be sure that no one grabbed me out of the crowd. I was such a vibrant and attractive child that it really makes a lot of sense.

The parents I see now, though, just seem to be lazy. They're generally not in a crowd. They stand there while their toddler tries and tries to get further than the leash will allow. Their kids behave worse on the leash than I would expect my dog to behave.

Ok, I don't have a dog. But I have had a dog. And you teach them to heel. So, if you are going to leash your child, in essence treating it like a dog, then at least have the decency to train it like a dog.

I can't believe there hasn't been some outrageous leash death story. Like a kid's leash gets stuck in a wood chipper and slowly pulls him towards SUDDEN DEATH. Then you could really be outraged when you saw a leashed kid. "Those things are DANGEROUS. How lazy are you?" So lazy that they'd rather put their kid through a wood chipper than run after them.

See how easy you can spin that?

I'm certainly not calling for blood, but you see what I mean.

(I am in no way suggesting that anyone put a child into a wood chipper. Just to be clear. Although you Mainstream Media Thugs are just going to take what I say out of context anyway.)

Or maybe some people could accidentally switch leashed kids and not realize it because they are ignoring their children entirely. That could be wacky.

I've always had this dream where there are things called "Lost Child Simulation Rooms". For instance, you'd have one of the Rooms in the mall. Then any unattended children who are either too young to be unattended or are causing a ruckus would be whisked off to this Room. When the parents realize that they're missing a kid (you know, after like FIVE hours have passed) then you take them to the Room and they can have their kid back. But not until it is explained to them that they were put in the Room to demonstrate how they could already be gone or have caused thousands of dollars in damages or at least really made someone hate their job.

It would probably have little effect but it would make the people that have to deal with said children feel better.

Do you think Octomom has 8 leashes and then they all get tangled up around her and she's wrapped in all the leashes, carrying a bunch of shopping bags? Well, don't worry, little one. In Heaven she does. In Heaven she does everyday. Now, go quietly into that gentle wood chipper, little leash martyr. Twas not in vain.