December 8, 2008

Twilight venting.

I am around page 400 in New Moon (Bold and Italic... where is the underline??). We're short-staffed at work today, which means that I get to sit in one spot with nothing to do but read. Normally I'd enjoy this. Today I am not. Because I am stuck with the crap that is the Twilight series. People who know me (perhaps too well) have accused me of not liking it on purpose, but I assure you that this isn't the case. I love young adult books. I enjoy a good vampire story. I have been guilty of disliking things just because they are popular (not purposefully, its weird) but I should point out that I have never not liked something when it is popular with KIDS. In fact, that's a surefire way to get me to love something. I knew nothing about Twilight except that it was a teen sensation. I expected nothing but a good story.

400 pages into the second book, I've encountered nothing good. I am determined to stick with it, mostly because my bff told me that its all worth it for the fourth book and that she almost didn't make it, too. Why is this such a huge thing? I absolutely can't understand it. The books are first person, which is extremely irritating because then you have to hear Bella's retarded thoughts. The first book is almost entirely her and Edward talking. I don't say falling in love because we are basically told that they are in love, as if that's how it works. Ah! The epic romance! You don't see them falling for each other. What we know from Bella's thoughts are that he's uber attractive. Why else does she like him?? Because he becomes easily enraged to the point of near abuse? He's dangerous and he's hot. That's it. And you better take her word for it that he's hot, you'll never hear a word to describe him otherwise. He's got auburn hair (or is it bronze? Bella doesn't seem to know either) and a muscular chest. And he's gorgeous. That's it, that's all you'll get, that right there. Bella is pale and 5'4". Hope that's enough for you too! Oh, and did I mention the only reason Edward likes Bella is because she smells so good and he wants to drink her blood? Certainly one of the most shallow love stories I have ever encountered.

Bella is the most worthless human being of all time. This is how it goes--She gets into a situation where her life is threatened. She doesn't put up any kind of fight and realizes that this is the end, she is going to die. Cue Edward (or Jacob, where I am currently) to save the day! Ta-da! A 21st century damsel in distress. She cooks and cleans too, boys! What are her dreams? Her goals? Her ambitions? EDWARD. Yep, that's it, that's all she wants from life is Edward. College fund? Spent. In fact, her real dream is to become a vampire so she can spend an eternity with Edward. The amazing Bella can't even walk, she's always falling. I'm not sure if this was just thrown in to make her character less flat or just to make her even more worthless than she already is.

Why else is Bella annoying? She moves to Forks and is the new kid at school. And all the boys are madly in love with her. But she doesn't get it. She's plain, she says. Well, clearly not, Bells. She also constantly claims to be shy but never exhibits any shyness! Ever! In fact, she's quite the opposite. She's also supposed to be smart. When does she ever show her brain, either? I've yet to see it. Edward wants to eat her (this is the only reason he likes her). Edward, go ahead. Get nice and full. Bella SUCKS.

The writing itself is also pretty awful. The repetition of words is maddening. Topaz, sinuous, repentant, scowl, grin. And its boring. All talk, no action. Bad writing can be canceled out by a great story. I think there were about 10 pages in Twilight where something actually happened (in Phoenix) and even that wasn't very exciting. Its just all so tedious.

So why so popular? When I googled "Why is Twilight so popular?" I was prompted, so I don't feel so alone. I guess I am really bothered by the fact that teenage girls are looking up to Bella. She has no goals or dreams outside of Edward and their romance is hardly something I would want any teenager emulating. I also certainly wouldn't want anyone thinking that Edward is the perfect man. He's ridiculously controlling. But he's so pretty! Oh! Ok. He's a creepy stalker that would GO INTO HER BEDROOM AND WATCH HER SLEEP!!!!

I've really been needing to vent about these monstrosities. Terrible book, terrible message, terrible writing. I haven't decided if I'm going to read the third and fourth books. I definitely need a break after this one.

I will leave you with this brilliant bit of prose from the amazingly shitty Mrs. Stephenie Meyer:

"If he really was a werewolf, then people would be shooting at him! I needed to tell him and his friends that people would try to kill them if they went running around like gigantic wolves. I needed to tell them to stop." -New Moon, pg 297-8

I can't believe it took all that schooling for her to write with the style and quality of a 12 year old.

7 comments:

Zach said...

Have you seen the movie yet? Pretty silly. I heard an older woman on NPR the other day who sounded suspiciously like Anne Rice. She wondered, "What is all of this restraint about? If that vampire was really in love with her, he would ravish her." Is Twilight just a dumb story, or just the last gasp of abstinence-chic?

Anonymous said...

I think that most of the things you claim are partially true. However they books are not totally bad. I do agree with Bella's ambitions and dreams, she does not have any and that is kinda awful. However i think the books are kinda interesting, something different. Have you ever read Anne rice, they are worse, they make you feel like your never going to get the answer, and they drag on for chapters and chapters.
i do believe the twilight brought back that classical declaration of love, like we see in so many classical readings(Tristan and Isolde Wagner) we read in schools. We don't mind those readings and we label them as classical. So you could look at this book as a huge declaration of love. And we may criticize this books, particularly because in this country declaration of love or weakness is considered pathetic and uncool. I think seeing into Bella's thoughts is a window into a mind of a person in love. Lets just admit it people in love, or people who have a crush think and do crazy things. In this case i guess Bella is not thinking about her dreams and future because love is blinding her, like it did so many others among us.

djphob said...

Have not seen the movie yet, I am definitely waiting until its free. Let's hope HBO or Cinemax grabs it.

I see the potential for a great romance there but it just falls short. Where's the urgency? They're always getting angry at each other but I just don't see any passion in it. This kind of ties into the whole abstinence thing... The book has a message of abstinence. Those are the hottest parts... When they're in the meadow and he's so tempted. She wants him to bite her (not in the meadow but later), he wants to bite her but is restraining himself... She's got it right in those moments. The rest of the time I just don't understand the big deal with the two of them. All they do is argue and ask each other questions incessantly.

Perhaps if they edited the four books into one, I could enjoy them. Haha.

I haven't read Anne Rice since I was about 10 so I can't really comment on her writing (I can barely remember last month!). Did that old woman READ the books? Edward's whole life is about restraint, although Bella is irresistible even olfactorily speaking, as we are reminded every five seconds. Anne Rice spreading her vampiric lies!

Zach said...

Annie Rice at 10?!?!?! Scandalous!!!!

Beefy Muchacho said...

Definitely good points are being made, but I'll stand by my point that, while the writing and execution is lazy the STORY is still good.

Yes...it's repetitive (Diamonds! Golden Eyes!). Yes... Bella has few to no redeeming qualities (though it IS established that she's smart when she and Edward are looking at cell slides...I know...it's a stretch.) Yes... Edward is a scantly etched character. Those are all true. Still... I think that as a concept it's strong. It's like my argument about M. Night Shamalan movies... He has great ideas and he's a good director, but his writing is so weird and bad that maybe he should have found someone to collaborate with. George Lucas is the same way.

djphob said...

She only knew the cell slides because they'd already learned that at her school in Arizona. She studies a lot and everything but she never does anything clever or smart. "Its storming... I think I will completely ignore this and jump off a cliff! Oh my! The waters are so rough from the storm! Oh well, guess I'll die now."

I think there are faint traces of a good story. Most of the time? There's no story at all.

Beefy Muchacho said...

Okay.. I'll be more specific. The CONCEPT is good. Maybe the actual story/plotting is clumsy, but the basic idea excites me. In fact, maybe I'll write my own story in the Twilight universe. I'm a fan and it's fiction... I'll call it Fanfic.