Breaking Dawn, briefly.

Ok, I know. I suck at blogging lately. I've got to come up with a way to fit it into my routine, because work is rarely slow enough for bloggery anymore.

As you might imagine, I don't remember as much about Breaking Dawn as I did after I read it. Its been a few months. This is why I must form a blogging schedule. Or start writing things down as I read. Or both.

I felt that Breaking Dawn was the least terrible of the four, just because it was a much quicker read because things actually happened aside from Bella thinking about stuff. Also we get Jacob as a narrator for a while and the break from Bella was much appreciated by me. While more interesting it still lacked action. Buildup with no payoff. I won't ruin the ending but I can tell you I was sort of excited, wondering what was going to happen and then....Meyer tricked me!! She made it seem like it wasn't going to be her same old boring stupid crap and then it IS her same old boring stupid crap.

I still don't understand why anyone likes these books. I found nothing about the story interesting. Its the lamest vampires ever meeting up with the lamest person in the world, Bella. They were frustratingly repetitive when it came to word usage. I'm very glad to finally be done with the series and am now embarking on my quest to figure out what people do like about it. There are quite a few folks I do not consider stupid, and yet they've told me that they like the books. I must pick their brains.

Coming up! Mini-review of Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen.

Currently reading...A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson.

Just finished...Wonder Woman by Jodi Picoult!

grabber-gate

There is something magical about the dinosaur shop. Maybe its because I know its really mine when all is said and done. Maybe its because its nice and small and I know where everything is. Maybe its because of the dulcet tones of groaning velociraptors fill the air-- I can't really be sure. But I love it down here and it has drudged up an Annie who I haven't known in a while. She's in a good mood, she's nice to customers no matter how annoying they are, and she works her tail (har) off to the point of a sweat glaze everyday.

I have begun reading the last Twilight book and so far I want to punch Stephenie Meyer in the face once for everytime she says "twinkle lights". Bella and Edward are married, oh happy day, much rejoicing, blah blah and they're off to their honeymoon. As you can tell, I have not read very much yet.

I read the last two Georgia Nicholson books (Love is A Many Trousered Thing and Stop in the Name of Pants!) and they are full of hilarity as usual. They're beyond quick reads but they've made me want to reread the whole series so bravo. They are just so so hilarious. Everyone should read one, even if it must be secretly.

We got these new shirts in at work that are black with different germs all over it and it says in 50's horror movie font "GERMS: Know your enemy". I was wearing it yesterday when I got the nerdiest come-on in all of history... While pointing at dysentery (yes it is on my boob): "Bet you wouldn't want to eat that." He then went on to tell me that there were a few on the shirt he hadn't seen "IRL". My friends seem fixated on the fact that I even knew what "IRL" meant. Everyone knows I am a socially functional nerd.

WHY can't you pet seizure dogs? I want to SO BAD.

Coming up soon... a few book reviews, I'm on the brink on a few, including a book on capitalism that shows off a glowing endorsement from Ron Paul (which I failed to notice when I checked it out). Bet you can't wait to hear why we women-folk actually deserve lower salaries than men.

Also, in case you didn't notice, High School Musical 3 came out on DVD yesterday and all of you should really have a copy. Zefron is hot and there's no denying it so stop trying. I did, and I've been a happier person for it.

i am not alone!

I felt much better initially after reading this blog. Then I read some of the comments section. I don't know which disturbs me more--that seeming educated people are insisting Twilight is the best thing ever or the level of utter stupidity illustrated by the rest of the Twilight fans. (And I accidentally read a spoiler! Geez!) I read a random sampling of the replies from Twilight fans and it only served to confuse me more. Is this all part of an elaborate prank where my friends got together and wrote fake versions of each of the books just to terrorize me? It somehow seems as though all of those people read a completely different book than I did, one that was well-written and action-packed and full of romanticality. I am now wondering, are these books popular in other countries? Well anyway, I could sit all day and screw up my face as I try to figure out what it is that I am missing, but I shant. Read that blog.

Twilight time

Suddenly I was hit with the urge to see Twilight. I was going to wait until it didn't cost me any money, but I suppose my curiosity got the better of me. The audience was comprised of my friend Whitney, three other women and myself. Two women sat together (one looked as though she may have leapt from her seat at the screen at any moment) and there was one loner. I was ready. I now present for you my opinion.

Overall, it really wasn't good. You may be shocked to read that there were things about it that I enjoyed. For instance, Jessica and Mike. The only people in the film (and book, I suppose) who act like actual teenagers and very welcome comic relief. Right as I was about to take my last breath before boredom finally did me in, they popped up and (intentionally) made me laugh. The next two things that I liked really surprised me. First of all, vampire baseball was awesome. I really hadn't expected that part to be enjoyable, especially once I saw how stupid all the vampires looked when they'd do their fast running thing. But, miracle of miracles, this was a very fresh, exciting scene that this dull, dull film badly needed. And Muse! I cringed when I read that Stephenie Meyer liked a band that I also liked, but it all worked out in the end. Perhaps the most shocking thing that I liked was...deep breath...Edward.

I hate him in the book and I certainly don't care for Robert Pattinson (no matter how lonely and awkward Life&Style tries to convince me he is) but somehow I liked Edward. Don't worry; I'm not attracted to him. I don't see any "I heart boys that sparkle" shirts in my future. The only reason I can think of for this is because in the book we see Edward from Bella's eyes. This time I saw him from my own eyes. When he acted ridiculous, I could laugh without having to hear her stupid thoughts about it. Which brings me to the inappropriate laughter. It seems that every movie I go to, I let out a loud guffaw incontrollably at an unintentionally funny part. It came in this film after Edward spits that Bella can't get on their bus and then angrily pounds his fist on the bus door. It was just so ridiculous and Fonz-like, I couldn't contain my amusement.

Now for the bad stuff. It was ass-boring but I'm not sure how you could make a film from that book that wasn't since NOTHING HAPPENS but that's another post. First of all, I know its probably been said, but they're supposed to be crazy attractive. Alice? I mean, she's a pretty girl and all but gorgeous she is not. Her and Jasper are such a hair mess--I don't even know. I could understand if they styled all of them to look like what was attractive at the time of their change, but there is no excuse for Alice or the weird pointy monstrosity eating her head. Also, Victoria, James and the third dude are all fugly too. I can't help but think that if any of those people attacked me that I'd die laughing.

Jacob seemed so thrown in. I feel like they should've expanded his part or just not included him at all. And now they're not sure if they're going to use the same actor? What's the point of that? Charlie was awful. All the "awkward" moments between Bella and him were so manufactured. Oops! We both reached for the ketchup at the same time! Because it was in the script!

I did notice Robert's accent slipping in at some points... I mean, they are clearly cranking these out quickly to make the most of them, not trying to make good films, so can we blame the actors for phoning it in?

I enjoyed it more than I expected to but it was still a giant, smelly snoozefest. I remain baffled by the popularity of it. I have yet to read any reviews on it, so that's my next stop. I give it 1 out of 5 stars.

Oh, and Stephenie Meyer, don't make another cameo.

Twilight venting.

I am around page 400 in New Moon (Bold and Italic... where is the underline??). We're short-staffed at work today, which means that I get to sit in one spot with nothing to do but read. Normally I'd enjoy this. Today I am not. Because I am stuck with the crap that is the Twilight series. People who know me (perhaps too well) have accused me of not liking it on purpose, but I assure you that this isn't the case. I love young adult books. I enjoy a good vampire story. I have been guilty of disliking things just because they are popular (not purposefully, its weird) but I should point out that I have never not liked something when it is popular with KIDS. In fact, that's a surefire way to get me to love something. I knew nothing about Twilight except that it was a teen sensation. I expected nothing but a good story.

400 pages into the second book, I've encountered nothing good. I am determined to stick with it, mostly because my bff told me that its all worth it for the fourth book and that she almost didn't make it, too. Why is this such a huge thing? I absolutely can't understand it. The books are first person, which is extremely irritating because then you have to hear Bella's retarded thoughts. The first book is almost entirely her and Edward talking. I don't say falling in love because we are basically told that they are in love, as if that's how it works. Ah! The epic romance! You don't see them falling for each other. What we know from Bella's thoughts are that he's uber attractive. Why else does she like him?? Because he becomes easily enraged to the point of near abuse? He's dangerous and he's hot. That's it. And you better take her word for it that he's hot, you'll never hear a word to describe him otherwise. He's got auburn hair (or is it bronze? Bella doesn't seem to know either) and a muscular chest. And he's gorgeous. That's it, that's all you'll get, that right there. Bella is pale and 5'4". Hope that's enough for you too! Oh, and did I mention the only reason Edward likes Bella is because she smells so good and he wants to drink her blood? Certainly one of the most shallow love stories I have ever encountered.

Bella is the most worthless human being of all time. This is how it goes--She gets into a situation where her life is threatened. She doesn't put up any kind of fight and realizes that this is the end, she is going to die. Cue Edward (or Jacob, where I am currently) to save the day! Ta-da! A 21st century damsel in distress. She cooks and cleans too, boys! What are her dreams? Her goals? Her ambitions? EDWARD. Yep, that's it, that's all she wants from life is Edward. College fund? Spent. In fact, her real dream is to become a vampire so she can spend an eternity with Edward. The amazing Bella can't even walk, she's always falling. I'm not sure if this was just thrown in to make her character less flat or just to make her even more worthless than she already is.

Why else is Bella annoying? She moves to Forks and is the new kid at school. And all the boys are madly in love with her. But she doesn't get it. She's plain, she says. Well, clearly not, Bells. She also constantly claims to be shy but never exhibits any shyness! Ever! In fact, she's quite the opposite. She's also supposed to be smart. When does she ever show her brain, either? I've yet to see it. Edward wants to eat her (this is the only reason he likes her). Edward, go ahead. Get nice and full. Bella SUCKS.

The writing itself is also pretty awful. The repetition of words is maddening. Topaz, sinuous, repentant, scowl, grin. And its boring. All talk, no action. Bad writing can be canceled out by a great story. I think there were about 10 pages in Twilight where something actually happened (in Phoenix) and even that wasn't very exciting. Its just all so tedious.

So why so popular? When I googled "Why is Twilight so popular?" I was prompted, so I don't feel so alone. I guess I am really bothered by the fact that teenage girls are looking up to Bella. She has no goals or dreams outside of Edward and their romance is hardly something I would want any teenager emulating. I also certainly wouldn't want anyone thinking that Edward is the perfect man. He's ridiculously controlling. But he's so pretty! Oh! Ok. He's a creepy stalker that would GO INTO HER BEDROOM AND WATCH HER SLEEP!!!!

I've really been needing to vent about these monstrosities. Terrible book, terrible message, terrible writing. I haven't decided if I'm going to read the third and fourth books. I definitely need a break after this one.

I will leave you with this brilliant bit of prose from the amazingly shitty Mrs. Stephenie Meyer:

"If he really was a werewolf, then people would be shooting at him! I needed to tell him and his friends that people would try to kill them if they went running around like gigantic wolves. I needed to tell them to stop." -New Moon, pg 297-8

I can't believe it took all that schooling for her to write with the style and quality of a 12 year old.