the answer is hoooooooooooooooooooooooome

About once a year there is absolutely, positively nothing on. My DVR becomes a barren wasteland. Looking at it fills me with despair. The dreaded question springs into my mind--'What am I going to watch?' I turn to the On Demand channels, which I assume are one reason I pay a billion dollars a month for cable, but they rarely fill more than one evening. So in these times of crisis, I turn to reruns. (I wonder what percentage of programming is made up of reruns; I bet its an unsettling number.)

I think reruns are best enjoyed when it is a show you've never seen and you wait until the first episode of the series is on. That way, you can watch every episode, in order, conveniently rationed out into daily servings of old TV. Even a show like Seinfeld, where there really is no storyline that you need to follow, is best viewed in its original order. There is something discommoding about seeing someone age ever so slightly in just twenty minutes. I have done this ever since my dad decided to buy this new fangled contraption called a TiVo back when nobody knew what a TiVo was. I can still remember describing it to very uninterested people who acted like it was the most worthless thing they'd ever heard of (and now cannot live without DVRs). I watched a show called Ladies Man due to an untreated Alfred Molina obsession that still sort of leaves me scratching my head. I guess I just like big lugs. Anyway, after that I started watching ER. I'd never watched it and it was broadcast on TNT for two hours every morning. By the end of that year, I was an ER expert.

It opened my eyes. Just because you don't watch a show the first time around, doesn't mean you can't someday enjoy it just the same. For instance, Lost, Heroes and 24. All are (or were, at least) hit shows that I just couldn't fit into my DVR schedule. Summer brings reruns of current shows, but they're sometimes shown out of order or missing an episode. They're just not very reliable. I would definitely have watched all three of those shows, had I not committed myself to two other shows on at the same time. I can rest easy, though, because if those shows are as great as the hype, someday TNT or TBS or WGN will rerun them. And that's when I will make my move.

Over the years I've watched Ladies Man, ER, Saddle Club (er...nevermind), Little House on the Prairie, Sex and the City, The Sopranos, Seinfeld, and Boston Public and probably a few others my brain doesn't feel like remembering. There is a strange joy from watching them this way. I'm not sure quite what the difference is, either, aside from the fact that they are no longer new and no longer hot. I can't think of any sort of simile to reason it out. Its a modern mystery, perhaps. In any case, it gets me through those unbearable summer TV months without having to turn to drivel like Wipeout or More to Love (what I consider worthwhile and what I consider drivel is entirely arbitrary).

However, Hallmark Channel has pulled the rug right out from under me. For quite a while now, I have been enjoying two hours of 7th Heaven a day. This is a show I watched early in its original run, but I was the same age as Simon when it was on, so my memory is lacking. I lovingly refer to it as a study in bad TV. Early on its not quite as bad, but once Brenda Hampton is given free reign anything can happen. Its just ridiculous. All of the actors (with the exception of Stephen Collins) are thoroughly terrible but in the same way. The shots are cheesy, the plotlines are ludicrous and the dialogue, well, it speaks for itself (I couldn't resist). Its like every layer, every possible thing, is consistently bad. Its like the ugliest quilt you've ever seen. The stitches are uneven, but they're uneven in the same way, throughout. The colors are bug fugnuts and yet somehow they work together to make something uniformly awful. Its the worst thing you've ever laid eyes on but you have to look closer and really study it. Its like an ugly dog that you fall in love with at the pound, even though it has three legs and mange and is incontinent. Somehow, some way, its hideousness becomes endearing.

But Hallmark seems to think it necessary to add yet another hour of both Touched By An Angel and Little House on the Prairie to its schedule, for a total of 6 hours a day of those shows. And the worst part is, there was no warning. My DVR told me about the future episodes of 7th Heaven and allowed me to schedule them for recording. It even recorded what it thought was two 7th Heaven's that were not. Why did they do this to me? Did they read my relentless mocking on Twitter and take it to heart? Are there really people who have been crying out for more Touched By An Angel? Or did 7th Heaven turn out to be just too risque for them, after having to censor "butt" and "boob" one too many times? Whatever the reason, I am heartbroken. I had come to enjoy those two beastly hours a day. What would Brenda have for me? What new friends in need of help would the kids make today? What embarrassing guest appearance would fill me with delight? Would Peter Graves show up?? Would there be a whole plotline just about a pot roast? Ah. It seems like only yesterday.What would possess Hallmark to make such an abrupt change? I am genuinely interested. I have very little knowledge about television programming decisions. But I really wish they'd change their minds. Letter writing campaign, anyone?

I think the worst part is that I was left high and dry. There are desperate TV times and I simply can't afford to lose that much programming with no warning. And now I am left wondering----What am I gonna watch???