on a more serious note

I wouldn't say that I hate my job. That seems too strong. But it's close.

I do a lot of receiving and stocking, that's really the part that I "enjoy" the most. I do a lot of ringing as well, that part isn't always bad but it can also just be the worst thing ever. Sometimes after people have just been ridiculously rude to you again and again, you sort of lose your ability to have any sort of customer service.

If I were paid what I feel I deserve to be paid, though, I think I would probably have a much lower level of job hatred.

Let's just put it out there. I skirt around it a lot. I'm embarrassed by it. I actually just felt my tear ducts spring into action when I let myself say that I'm embarrassed, but I am. I've worked here for five years now, three consecutive, and I make exactly $0.48 above the Ohio Minimum Wage.

The one advantage to making so little money is that I really sympathize with people trying to support themselves making minimum wage. Even making a dollar more than minimum wage. I'm lucky and I get a lot of help with my bills. I don't understand how anyone could support themselves on this salary, let alone children. But that's another blog. This one's about me.

I work hard. Harder than most of my co-workers. A lot of them are older and slower. What takes me an hour would take them the whole day.

The people who sit behind a desk and take tickets? They make more than I do.

I feel undervalued and underpaid. I was promoted and then it was given away to someone else. And I just sat there and took it, like it was fine. As if I had no problem with it at all, as if I agreed with them.

A lot has changed since then. I'm a more confident person. I can say with complete certainty that I am important to this place, that they don't operate as smoothly without me. I can make a line disappear, pick up the store in about thirty minutes and I'm faster at stocking, not least because I can lift more. I can carry a box most of my co-workers would need to get a cart to move, that alone makes me much quicker.

But the problem with this realization that I deserve more is that, at this job, I can't really get it. We're a non-profit. For two years "no one" has gotten a raise. (I never really figured out if the CEO and his billions of BMWs are included in this no one) So it feels like I'm working really hard to climb a mountain by just getting really good at circling the bottom, waiting for them to open the gates so I can really give it a go. All the opportunities for advancement are so far off. I'm like a vulture, circling other people's positions, waiting for them to perish so I can steal their spot. Can I keep working hard for no reward for years and years to achieve something that might not even be that fulfilling?

I don't know. Some days it seems fine; some days I feel so intensely unhappy. But what DO I want to do? What do I want to be? What WOULD be fulfilling? Can I reach my goals here and make room for new ones at the same time?

The future is always uncertain. I think this growing unhappiness--this growing feeling that I'm worth more, smarter than this, better than this--is the motivation I have been waiting for. If I keep going and let it keep building inside of me then I think that's the energy I'm going to harness that will take me down new avenues to fulfillment. I cannot be scared of this, either, even though it might be scary. Sometimes I'm scared to change anything lest it throw me dangerously off-balance. But I think when I have enough drive, enough motivation, then I'll be okay.

The one thing I am sure of? I'm worth way more than $7.78.

in which there is, perhaps, tmi

Its that time again. I haven't got a tale to tell, so here are some rolling thoughts as I check out the latest news (as I am working). For the record, I have been alone for a very long time, so I thought it was safe to let one go, and then customers came in, and they left very quickly. And its kind of funny. But not very ladylike.

My issue with giving KSM a trial is that we didn't follow our own fucking laws so how can we win such a trial? I don't know, I need someone smarter to ask questions about this. I happened to catch them talking about it on Joy Behar last night. I've never watched her show before, but it seemed really inane and I am no smarter than I was before I flipped to channel 10. Come on, NPR. I need you to come through here. I like Julie Andrews as much as the next gal, but I'd rather get this all hashed out.

Like, seriously, Julie Andrews is doing a cow voice right now.

Here's a weird one--I've noticed recently that I flatten my tongue to the back of my bottom teeth. Sort of bend it down and press it against them. I do it when I'm falling asleep and now I've noticed myself doing it idly. And it feels weird and I wanna stop. Is this a symptom of some lethal underlying illness? I'll never know.

Why won't AT&T just face the fact that their coverage sucks? It does! Everything about AT&T sucks. Quit crying and fix it or face the consequences.

Oh my god... Oh my giddy god... Palin/Beck 2012?? Oh please, yes. They can't win, right? Its safe, right? It would just be funny, right?? Although I saw a rather unnerving channel 12 poll the other night..Granted it wasn't closed for another hour when I saw it but the question was, "Who is more qualified to run for President, Palin or Clinton?" And Palin was WINNING. Not by a lot but still. Cincinnati, you suck. It didn't even say "Who would you vote for?" It asked who was more QUALIFIED. That doesn't even need to be asked, really.

Okie dokie, well, my replacement is here, so that's all for today. I shall try to write more in hopes that someday someone will read it. Good day.

Random unconnected thoughts.

The Great Internet War of 2009 is, for the moment, over. And I am the victor. So I bring this blog straight at you! WHAM.

I have an odd fascination with men's butts. They're just so varied and sometimes hard to understand. And when you see a really good one, you just can't look away. Its like a special treasure.

There is a tiny tooth looking just delighted and awestruck with googly eyes sitting in a green lounge chair. These sort of things tend to happen around here.

I feel like Windows is ridiculously out of touch if they think the "look and feel" of a Mac is what drives users to switch over. Its the utter frustration only Windows can cause that does it.

Is it possible for everyone to be rich? And still have a hierarchy. Like, if the poor people were rich then they could buy more and the rich people would be even richer. But what would give? Cost of living would rise so the poor rich would be poor poor again?

I cannot read comment sections. They make me too angry. I don't think irrationally, really. But is it worth becoming enraged each day? It seems fun at first but its really exhausting. I think the woman talking about the "horrors of marijuana withdrawal" was the real last straw for me.

They have found that dyslexic kids may have trouble focusing on a teacher's voice amidst all the other noises in a classroom. I have trouble focusing on someone's voice amidst all the thoughts in my head. And all the words coming out of my mouth. And then there's the whole thing where you have to, like, take the noises coming out of a person's mouth and seperate them into words and then figure out what the words were. Listening to others is so very complicated.

Dr. Michael Reinstein was given nearly $500k from AstraZeneca as he conducted research on Seroquel. This is such a stunning example of why health care should have nothing to do with profits. It becomes not at all about people's health and all about stuffing your bank account. Its really sickening the amount of people in the world who will do anything for a buck. Well, a whole bunch of bucks. I really don't understand how they live with themselves, truly. Does the money justify that sort of behavior to people or do they just go so far into denial that they don't even realize how villainous they've become? I suppose its the latter, as everyone is saying they didn't do anything wrong and it didn't effect the research and blah blah. It just makes me so very, very uncomfortable.

Is it just me or does it seem like Fox News is correcting itself now where it never used to before? Methinks they are not the mavericks they acted like they were a few weeks ago. But then Murdoch's out there running his mouth, so maybe not.

I am really enjoying the firing of Prof. David Nutt being referred to as "Nutt sacking". I'm not entirely sure if its on purpose or not, but well played if so.

I think the fact that this girl is wearing Britney Spears perfume sort of ruins the image she appears to be striving for. I should tell her I know her secret.

Wouldn't it be kind of exciting if the world ended? Everyone talks about it like it would be a bad thing.

You gotta hand it to the AMA, they've really been pleasing me lately. First supporting health care reform and now calling for a "review" of marijuana prohibition. Keep up the good work, guys!
I am glad that Leno is getting bad ratings. This is due to his show sucking. I feel like a fool for even getting inexplicably excited and thinking it would be good. How wrong I was. The only thing worth watching is Headlines. And the headlines are funny, Leno does not enhance them in the least. Sorry, Jay. You lose. We need a fresh face, not the same old crapola.

Whoever put the bouncy balls near all of the glass bottles is proving my case about why I should be in charge of everything ever. And with that I am off. Ta.

wait!!

Does anyone ever actually say, "I-I can explain!" in real life?

how can you say that??

Do you ever suddenly think, 'Wow, my TV is up reeeally loud'?